My mom makes me hate myself

So I have a weird relationship with my mom. I have some great talks with her sometimes and she helps out when I need reassurance with health and anxiety, but she also makes me so incredibly miserable and sad. I am a soon to be 22 year old woman and I moved in with my mom and her boyfriend last year in September after having really big problems living with my dad because of his girlfriend's behaviors towards my sister and I. I moved in thinking it was gonna be a life changing decision for me and that it would help me out so much. Well, I was unfortunately wrong. In order to move to my mom's I had to quit my job. I thought that moving to my mom's would give me a larger opportunity to find jobs since it's more of a city area (I used to live in the boonies) but now it's been a year and as some of you may know, finding jobs has been incredibly difficult for some reason. So after a year, I am still looking. My other dilemma is that I am really lost in what I aspire to be. I am not in school but I have taken it upon myself to have reoccurring meetings with a career guidance counselor to help me out weekly with my path. If you look back on some of my other posts you'll see that I just started taking medication (citalopram) a week ago for extreme anxiety and I've been struggling with side effects. I of course told my mother about this because she's my mom and I wanted to tell her when I wasn't feeling great and whatnot. So I usually stay with my boyfriend and his family, and the reason is mostly because my mom has been giving me a hard time so I chose to keep my distance in order to not feel more drained. My mom decided it'd be best for me to come home while I'm struggling with the meds so she could "check on me and not have to worry as much" so I chose to go back home. I slept really good in my bed so I kind of wanted to stay to sleep in my bed again tonight considering that I've been having some troubles sleeping due to the medication. About two hours ago I went upstairs to use the washroom and I guess she didn't hear my come up and close the door and overheard her talking badly about about me to her boyfriend. I heard her call me a disappointment and my heart just sank after hearing that. I've been struggling so much over the past two years with being unemployed and not in school. I've also had to deal with the absence of my best friend who passed away in January 2023. I've been struggling with the grief journey because I've felt like people expect me to be over it by now but it's been killing me every day. I feel like my mom can't even begin to try and understand any of the problems I may have, big or small. This is going to sound really bad and I am aware that this thought process is terrible but sometimes I think about what would happen if I took my life or died due to other circumstances. I wonder if she'd regret the things she's said both to me and behind my back, or if she'd secretly feel some kind of relief that she won't have to feel disappointment anymore. My mother, who has been saying these awful things about me behind my back and making me feel terrible for a year now is also a woman who, as her daughters were young children, spent all her time high out of her mind asleep on the couch. I don't recall my mom ever doing things with my sister, my dad and I as a family. Maybe the waterpark during the summer like three different times but that's it. I spent most of my highschool years seeing my mom asleep on the couch. She's spend all her time sleeping or "secretly" smoking a joint in the basement. She was on sick leave for a really long time due to mental health and just came off of sick leave again after almost two years of not working. In 2020 my mom suddenly left my dad my sister and I without really discussing it with anyone and it turns out that she was cheating on my dad with the man she's with now. I had to watch my dad go through a whole mental break because of this. My dad ended up getting two jobs and was always working. I don't remember my mom contributing to the family much at all now that I think about it. My dad had to break his back for most of me and my sister's childhood. Now, I frequently hear my mom bashing my dad. Saying upsetting things about him when she wasn't even there. I find it kind of unreasonable. My mom has also stooped to lows like trying to bring my boyfriend into her arguments to hurt me, or whatever it is she's trying to get across. Yesterday she tried to indirectly tell me that he'll leave me because I'm so lost right now, kind of making it seem like she was also implying that because I'm lost right now that I'll be lost for the rest of my life. She often talks about how miserable she is, almost as if she's bragging about it. She's also once told my sister and I about how she would cry to manipulate my dad into doing things because apparently that was the ONLY way. My mom would constantly tell me growing up how lucky I am to have such a normal family but looking back it doesn't seem so normal. I completely understand that many people have it way way worse than I do but I just needed to get that out because I'm really upset. I'm probably leaving out a lot of things that are making me feel unsatisfied with the post but this is what I have for now and if you made it this far I thank you for the time to actually read it. I just want a mommy :(