Urge bc my bf found out

(19F) I haven’t thought about sh for a month until I was hanging out with my boyfriend (who didnt know I sh) and he randomly asked “do you cut yourself?”. It was surprising because he didn’t know and there’s no way he could’ve known…I told him how long I’ve been ‘clean’ and he said he was proud but now I want too more than ever. I hate this urge. It’s very strong right now and I don’t want to let him down. :/