Adoption regret

I have wanted to adopt kids (not babies) since I was a teenager. Just realized yesterday that I have tokophobia. I NEVER wanted to give birth and thankfully haven't. But my husband and I did adopt 2 children from Poland (They were 8 & 9), hopeful that we would give them a happy, loving home and family.

They had Reactive Attachment Disorder (and other disorders) and made life hell. Our son was incredibly violent. I won't go into detail but tell one story. He was sent to a behavioral hospital for the first time at 10. I told the therapist there that I was afraid he'd someday rape me or kill me. Her response: "It's good that you recognize that.". Daughter was less violent. Both were manipulative, disrespectful, selfish, gaslighting, and self-sabotaging. Daughter also became a shoplifter. She stole from me a LOT too. And she binge ate our food.

Both are now grown. Son left our home the last time at 14 (to another behavioral hospital which suggested we NOT pick him up) and became a ward of the state. Daughter left 5 months short of 17. Our home is now peaceful. Our finances have improved. We're not calling cops to our house every few weeks--or days.

I am no contact with them--and several family members who turned against me based on our kids' lies.

They can still contact my husband. Our son has from time to time. We haven't heard from our daughter in years.

I do regret having adopted them. But I'm grateful to be past them now. Of I could go back and talk to the me who so wanted to adopt that it hurt every Mother's Day, I'd tell her that she's better off with cats, to save the money for retirement or travel or anything but adoption. The chances are just too high that she'd end up with kids who couldn't love, and who would try to destroy everything she cared about. She could host foreign students maybe. (We can't now, thanks to CPS blaming us when the problems actually stemmed from early childhood trauma from their neglectful and abusive birthparents.)

I used to be a real advocate for adoption. I'm not anymore. I wish I was just childless.