I am really starting to resent my kids, i feel terrible about it and don’t know what to do…

Im a 35yo father with a 3yo and 6 week old. Now i know alot of you will think, “of course its going to be hard in the newborn phase” but these feelings have been a long time coming.

For both my kids i did not feel that overwhelming warm feeling of love when i first met my babies, if im to be truly honest i am still waiting for that feeling… what i did feel however is a deep sense of responsibility (and with that a fair dose of dread)

I would say that before having kids my parenting resume would have looked fairly decent… kind, compassionate, responsible, driven and protective. Aswell as this alot of people told me i would make a great father.

Three years into parenting i have realised i also possess some traits that are not really conducive to being a parent. High expectations for compliance, little patience for non compliance and a need for down time. I do try my very best to not be so rigid on these, but i dont feel like im really getting anywhere they are so engrained.

So obviously my 3 year old is a very high energy, stubborn, defiant boy who for some reason really butts heads with me. He hits and scratches me when im trying to get him to do a task, he refuses to allow me to try and get him to sleep and he calls me by my first name alot. Its driving me insane and really making me not have a nice relationship with him, im always angry, frustrated and yelling at him… i juat might add he is pretty much a sweetheart with everyone else and a complete mommas boy.

We really ummed and ahhed about have baby2 (a girl) but bit the bullet in the end, thinking we could do it and wanting to provide baby1 with a sibling. I was stupid, i played my chances on baby 2 being a lot easier than baby 1 as i thought i could not deal with another baby 1.

Anyway fast forward, baby 2 is 6 weeks old and has pretty much cried and screamed (when awake) for that 6 weeks… and to add to that baby 1 has really amped up with me since the birth (i dont know why)

Tonight we went for a walk with the kids about 5pm, baby2 started crying then and has not stopped (only for brief moments) and it is now 11.16pm and baby1 was running around not allowing us to put him to bed until 10pm… im exhausted, ive got nothing else to give and im really starting to resent my kids and feel like this is my life now a life of pain and suffering.

I will just add, i think the resentment feeling comes harder and faster because i put SO much time and energy into trying to remedy my relationship with the kids, i have even been prioritising them over work… to no avail. Im finding it just too hard.