Being raised by a narcissistic/emotionally volatile family sets you up to tolerate abusive behavior

I just noticed how it was a regular thing for family members to yell at me, get in my face, or hurt me, and then they make it up with gifts or trying to be nice later.

They can hurt you all they want, but don't you dare retaliate or you're being a "smart mouth" or "sensitive" or a "bitch". They ditch you when you need them, but expect you be there for them on a whim and if you don't they try to get others to antagonize you.

They keep you trapped and dependent on them. I noticed how my family wouldn't teach me basic skills and then shamed me for it not knowing, but would also shame for making mistakes when I tried. Wouldn't even let me go into my own back yard alone, couldn't have friends come over, but couldn't go to their house either. And then they shame me for being socially anxious. Would tell me how scary and dangerous the world is and if I go out alone someone will hurt me. And then shame me for being having agoraphobia.

Now as an adult I swear I have blaring signal that just attracts the most toxic people to me. All of my relationships in general except the current members family in my household and my best friend have all been utterly draining and painful. I give all of myself and all I get is a slap in the face in return.

And then I feel guilty for finally getting upset and saying how I feel unfiltered with anger after multiple attempts to state how I feel. They ignore me, tell me I'm sensitive, and then play victim to other people when I finally get tired of them and cut them off. After all this, I STILL miss these people. Even though they don't give a flying fuck about me. I still want their validation, I still want to spend time with them, I still miss them.

I just sick of this pattern. I need therapy but I don't know where to start. I feel like I have too many issues