Discomfort with an abusive family member

CW: abuse/assault

Seeking advice and support with an issue I can’t discuss with my friends and family as it is very private.

My loving and wonderful husband was abused by a close family member when he was a child. His abuser was a teen at the time.

Through years of therapy, my husband has found a way to move forward and still sees his abuser semi-regularly. I have an extremely hard time with this, but we attend therapy sessions together so I can try to better understand how my husband feels about it all.

Now, I’m 18 weeks pregnant, and I’m terrified of the idea that this abuser will be near my child. I can’t imagine allowing him to hold my baby, and certainly don’t ever want him to be alone with my child.

My husband feels that if I don’t let the abuser near our kid, then people in the family will notice. He’s scared it will lead to his secret being revealed to the family, and doesn’t want to hurt anyone or be forced to share his story when he’s not comfortable doing so and finds that idea re-traumatizing. He says if he has found a way to move on from it and forgive his abuser, then I should, too.

My feeling is that it’s not really about ME or my husband’s ability to forgive. It’s about our daughter. How can I possibly put her in a situation where she is near a known abuser? I don’t want to take that risk. It’s my job to protect her at all costs. My husband agrees that we should never let this family member babysit or be alone with our daughter, but thinks I should allow the abuser to hold the baby so family doesn’t notice tension.

It makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t want his hands on my daughter. I don’t want her growing up feeling close to this man. I don’t want to open the door to the slightest chance that he gets even a second alone with her.

Obviously, we’re discussing this with our therapist, but it feels isolating to not be able to talk through my feelings with anyone else in my life, so here I am.

Any advice? Has anyone else been through anything even remotely similar? Is it possible my husband will feel differently when he actually meets our baby?

UPDATE: thank you all for your support; I feel a lot better knowing that I’m making the right choice! After another talk with my husband and sharing some of your thoughts with him, he agrees to not let the abuser near our child, and he intends to confront him to say that we will not allow him near her. We’ll also start off with a “no one holds baby” policy at the start. If family poses questions about perceived tension, I told my husband I’ll take the fall and just say I’m an overprotective FTM and leave it at that. It’s obvious to both of us that he still has a lot to face with this trauma, and we’ll continue therapy to help.