Threw almost four years clean down the drain. Put some sense into my head

Back in 2020, I went to rehab after a year long OC80 habit. At the end I ate three to four of those blue fuckers a day, it was terrible. I did the whole nine yards: got clean, moved cities, went to university, got a prestigious internship and finished my bachelors thesis with highest grades. All great, everybody so proud, but all along I was feeling like shit. I was young when I went to rehab, and I was in such a rush to get out in the world and prove everybody wrong that I didn't gave two fucks about what caused my addictive behaviour.

Some months back, in June, I started taking benzodiazepines, I guess it was for anxiety symptoms. i never did it to get high, only in normal doses per se. Don't think I've ever taken over 40mg diazepam over 24 hrs. I made a deal with myself: hand in your bachelor thesis in December, then seek help. And that's what I did. I'm in the midst of a taper with my local addiction center, and on that front it's great something is being done. They might even offer me some therapy.

A few weeks back, although, life took unexpected turns. I was crushed, emotionally and financially. I bought an OC80, did 40mg, saved 40mg for the day after and nodded the fuck out for two days. The warm blanket felt exactly the way I remembered it. I know why I did it, but I regret it just as much as taking that first benzo back in June.

It was in the mid of December, today is January 8th, and I just did it for I think the tenth time or something like that. The 20mg don't get me nodding anymore, 40mg barely does. I can go two to three days, sensing no withdrawals, but then I do them again. As mentioned, this has been going on for some weeks.

I went to this sub for so much advice, support and comfort back in 2020 and 2021 when I was in active addiction and in my recovery phase. Now I'm on the steps of a nasty oxy habit again. Apparently, I can't get into my head what it is I'm doing. I did around 50mg tonight, and I plan of doing the rest. It will be the last pill, but I said that the last time and the last time again.

This may sound so fucking dumb, but please, someone, remind me why we don't do this shit. Remind me why this is the direct pathway to misery. Remind that I'm better than this. Remind me there's still a turning point without going through the whole nine yards again. I'm not sure I can do that.