my mother used to cut my pubic hair.

I’m using a throw away account because i am ashamed about this, but i need to know in order to know if i should bring it up to my therapist.

i am mostly just posting this as a way to vent honestly since i randomly remember this and i need to get it off my chest.

when i was little, i went through puberty pretty earlier for whatever reason and, because i developed pubic hair at like seven/eight. (memories from that age are fuzzy so i don’t remember exactly) my mom used to cut my pubic hair, and i just don’t know if that counts as SA or not because it did make me uncomfortable at the time and she would always just do it randomly. it was never when i asked for it to be done and it was just when she remembered it was something she could do.

while she did this, from what i remember, she would tell me that nobody was allowed to touch me there but her or something and it always made me uncomfortable. she never explained to me why i was growing hair their either, from my memory at least.

i was never comfortable with it because she would also always make comments about my body when i was little. she always told me that i was “so pretty” and “how she wish she looked like me”. i never expressed my discomfort with any of these things because i was a very quiet and anxious child.

she did eventually stop this when i got my period at ten but her weird behavior about my body did continue.

i remember this one time, before she died, i woke up in the middle of the night to her right in front of my face watching me sleep and caressing my hair. i know that it was probably a “sweet thing” but she also was extremely abusive to me. she would call me a “mean girl” all the time and punched me in the stomach after backing me into a corner and had to have my grandpa come and pull her off me (unrelated but for the longest time i thought it was my dad who pulled her off me). she also sprained my wrist so many times i lost count.

i don’t like to think of myself as an abusive victim because i feel like it makes people pity me and i don’t like that. which is why i think i am so hesitant to bring up the pubic hair thing with my therapist because i don’t want to possibly be labeled as an sa victim. i feel like that label isn’t something i deserve if that is the case and, even if it sa, i shouldn’t be allowed to call myself that because it was by my mom.

there are a lot of things from my childhood that i don’t remember, but that is one of the things that i do remember for whatever reason. so i don’t know if i am making a big deal out of nothing and am just uncomfortable with it because she was abusive to me in other ways.

regardless, she is dead and died when i was twelve so, even if it was sa, nothing can be done about it. it happened. i just wanted to get it off my chest and talk into a void about it.

i am in therapy now and trying to work though the things my mom put me through the best i can. it’s just hard to know what was and wasn’t normal because of how young i was i guess.

thank you for reading all of that if you did. it means a lot :)