I really needed to vent

I may sound like a teenager going through an initial existential crisis, but thats not what it feels like, more of a realization of my position in this life.

The universe/God/whatever it is has a way of putting you in your place, one way or the other. I wonder why 2 people so similar can have such massive differences in their lives and path. Not just financially, but, truly, in every aspect of life. Why is it that some people seem to be so favored by God and some abandoned?

I don’t know if I’m victimizing myself here, but to be honest lately I have been feeling like one. It’s one thing when it’s all going south because of your inaction, but to try so hard just for it to keep getting worse, I don’t know if I can do that.

Why is it that everyone is so far gone in their own minds they forget the person infront of them is also human? They’re so far gone in their thoughts that they lack self awareness? What’re you doing in there then? I’ve tried to be the best partner I could, for nothing, nothing. Took her a month while simultaneously entertaining me to go for someone else. I tried to move away, fresh start maybe, got completely shut down by a series of events that is just hysterical at this point. Why? What am I supposed to do? I don’t think I deserve all this? I’m not perfect, but for everything to be ripped out the way it’s happening, I fail to see the wisdom.

I’m scared of where my thoughts are taking me, I don’t have the slightest idea of how or where I’m going to end up. Does it even matter? I have nothing. I have no one. The only people around me are there to scavenge whatever attention I have left, consume me alive. They lack consideration, accountability, empathy and the ability to give a fuck.

After all this, the only thing that makes sense is that I’m not supposed to be here, I’m not supposed to try and have this life that I envisioned for myself, I’m destined to be nothing and the sooner I accept that the better. I don’t know how to handle any of these things. What do you do with the realization that someone you’ve given so much to is literally going to be moving on and seeing other people in a matter of weeks. What do you do with that? Right now all I’m able to do is shut down. I can’t think, I have no interest in doing anything, no appetite, nothing. I’m just staring at a wall and slowly driving myself to insanity.

Do things get better? Am I naive to hope for a better future? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment? But if I don’t try for a better life, who will on my behalf? Sometimes I try to imagine my self in other people’s shoes, people I know, and it just seems so easy. I know that there are way more people out there experiencing so much worse, but I can’t help but wonder what if.

I know the idea of her moving on makes it so much worse but how do I not think like that? It’s not like I want to. I’m on the way to having a horribly depressing year, she’ll go about her life as if I’ve never existed. It’s a disgusting feeling. Especially knowing I have the short end of the stick, as I always do. I feel like it will be impossible for me to meet someone after her and that terrifies me.

I can accept being just another average human, but why the bottom of them? I sit here and imagine legacy while having no idea what that legacy is. Is that really a sign of someone that’s going to achieve something great? I’ve disappointed so many people, I’ve become nothing, an empty shell alive only due to instinct. What a waste.