Things I wish I told my therapist

Things I wish I told my therapist pt. 1/2

Here are some things I wish I told my therapist

1.  I think I want to be happy, but I don’t know what it actually looks like. I think I want peace, but again, I don’t know what peace truly is. Really, I just want the war inside my head to stop so I can take a breath without the crushing weight of the past pushing my feet deeper into the mud of my psyche.

2.  I have a constant facade that I don’t even try to have, but it comes out when I’m trying to resolve my feelings. It’s like I don’t want to portray how hard the battle really is in my mind. I act as if I’m always “self-aware” of how unhealthy my thoughts are, almost like I can wish them away. It makes me feel like I’ve “won” therapy in some way. But then, because of that, you never actually understand the depths of my struggle. I have moments where I forget the pain, but I quake at the moments that make me feel again.

3.  I go really deep into my painful struggles, hoping to dump it all out so I only feel it for a short time. But afterward, for days, I feel exhausted—around everything and everyone. It’s like a hangover from the pain I unleashed inside me. As if we’re built of chakra, and I used all mine to think about the past.

4.  When I come week after week, I tell you nothing significant has happened. But the truth is, there were probably 2 or 3 breakdowns where I was in a state of pressure about something that sent me spiraling. The thoughts either get less aggressive or more aggressive—they never go away. I don’t know how to get better, so I just say nothing happened. I live a lie so I can believe my lie. Deep down, I know it isn’t working, and if it didn’t cripple me today, tomorrow might come swinging in with thoughts of worthlessness, or of harming people, or myself.

5.  I feel like a psychopath locked in a normal person’s body. The bad thoughts are there. I would never act upon them, but they are there. I don’t know if people just call them “intrusive thoughts” as a joke or not. They truly intrude my mind, and I enact the scenarios in my head.

Tell me, really, does it ever leave?