I hate pleasure from sx

Wasn't too sure what to title this post. I'm 21, been on T for almost 6 years, had top surgery almost 4 years ago.

In every relationship I've been in, I have never been the "receiver," only "giver." And the thought of someone touching me down there makes me sick. I've tried it a couple of times and hated it every time. I'm fine doing it myself every now and then but I always get such bad bottom dysphoria and there's raarreellyyy ever penetration.

Does anyone else experience this? I feel like a crazy person not wanting to actually feel things from sex. I like the act of it and the intimacy and closeness but I just... don't touch me, yk?