Please help me with my daily fear of Hell

I don’t like Christianity. Some days, I hate God. I presently identify as a casual theist/spiritual but not religious. I was raised in a nondenominational Christian family. I live with my grandmother and uncle, both of whom (ESPECIALLY my uncle), are very devout. I wasn’t taken to church as a child, but I was a stubborn kid in my Christian daycare. At 18, I went to church and Bible study, simply because I thought I would go to hell if I didn’t. I abandoned both by the age of 21. At one point, I prayed the sinner’s prayer and felt I had been saved. But due to the reasons below, I feel like my salvation is now null and void.

The reasons I struggle with God include:

  1. The preacher mentioned during one particular service that some people believe God is a woman and a few people gasped when they heard it. This is kinda similar to when someone asks a person if they’re gay and the other person goes “NOOOO!” They wouldn’t react like that unless they thought something was wrong with gay people. Likewise, the gasps in this incident sent the message that womanhood is lesser than manhood and that women shouldn’t be powerful.
  2. My grandmother once received handwritten papers from a churchgoer about the “woman of valor.” I read some of it and the whole thing was basically just “Woman succeed in CAREER? No, woman of valor submit to husband and pump out babies!”
  3. Religion in general tells us that we all should be ashamed of being imperfect and deserve to burn in hell. We’re regarded as if we’re all monsters with not a single drop of good in us. I don’t believe in this.
  4. It’s weird that it’s considered okay to be afraid of someone who is supposed to love you. I want to follow someone because I love them, not because I’m scared shitless of what they’ll do to me if I don’t.
  5. Religion in general is so self-deprecating. I’ve heard several people say “We’re not worthy.” I call bullshit.
  6. God expects everyone to love him more than their family and I think that’s selfish. I can’t be expected to do that. I love my mother, for example, way more.
  7. I can’t love god because I can’t love someone I’ve never met. I don’t think that’s emotionally possible for me. God shouldn’t punish me for having needs that must be met in a relationship in order for it to work.
  8. People can’t even do what they want with their own bodies, from sex, to tattoos, to trans people. It feels less like people are their own people and more like we’re all owned.
  9. Some people believe they have no reason to exist without God and that makes me angry. Thank the universe I’m not a brainwashed cow like that.
  10. People also believe that there is no morality without God. I also call bullshit on that.
  11. I don’t like the gospel. The Bible even less so. All of it is so repetitive and straight-up boring. It felt infuriating when my uncle described reading the Bible as “gaining the courage.”
  12. The fact that accepting Jesus is the only way to be saved. To God, it doesn’t matter if one makes a genuine effort to be a good person.
  13. Purity culture. Everything about it is both hella boring and creepy.
  14. Christians love to justify homophobia, transphobia, racism, making a woman carry a baby against her will (even in the case of RAPE), etc. I believe in all love or no love at all, the right to reject God’s design in terms of one’s own body, the equality of every person regardless of skin color, and I am pro-choice and actively fight to keep all these people’s rights afloat.
  15. The idea of the rapture saddens me. I don’t care if this world has evil in it, I still love it. And I’d hate for it to end one day. I have things I’m working on right now and I mourn over the idea that one day, all my hard work will be destroyed and I’ll have nothing left.

I’ve come to feel that religion is a cult of shame and fear. What’s worse is that I feel like I can’t talk to a religious leader about it because I’m worried he (it’s always a damn straight white man, by the way) will just confirm what I fear most: That women are below men and purity culture and bigotry are “right”. As an activist and someone who wants to go into a career concerning the study of human sexuality, this would feel like a near-defeat to the purpose that I’m dedicating my life to.

I’ve been feeling so depressed over going to hell and it’s almost torture when I feel this way during work. I truly feel like I’m going to hell, and once I do, I’ll be in unimaginable pain and everyone who went to heaven will forget about me eventually. An atheist world, an atheist-spiritual world, or a deist world all feel like happier outcomes to me than a Christian world. If my social and political beliefs make me not a Christian, then I guess I’m not. Some days, I comfort myself with the facts that dinosaurs (which aren’t mentioned in the Bible) existed and the Earth is over 4 billion years old, because they give me a sliver of hope that God doesn’t exist after all, and maybe I won’t be going to hell. The only reason I choose to believe in God is because he’ll hurt me if I don’t. Religion feels like this one big, “YOU HAVE TO, OR HE WILL HURT YOU FOREVER.”

So, people of Reddit, what should I do? My fear of hell plagues me every day and I feel like I can’t escape it.