reading the bible for myself

I consider myself pimo, and I find it harder to sit through worship services. I was going to bring a bible one day to read verses during the lesson when my mom asked why I had a bible in my hand. Really? Why not? It's terrible that we're so used to listening to the lessons blindly, telling those outside the church that the lessons we are taught are based solely from the bible. Have they even thought of reading the "truth" for themselves?

One day, I found myself crying during the service intermission because I was overwhelmed by the feeling of wanting something greater than the same lessons over and over again, knowing that in my heart, this is not the worship that God intends.

I was born into the church, my entire family are members. I remember a lesson that stuck with me about the "mocking" of God. I'm rereading the verses for myself, not really shocked to see that the minister who preached twisted the words by mentioning the giving of offerings after every verse. I feel disgusted, betrayed. This church is mostly all I've ever known. I want to find a way out, but planning that seems so hard knowing the awful experiences of others on this subreddit :(

They preach so much about the "love for the brotherhood" yet the situations I have experienced with those who have been "placed to lead" are horrible, and some of the members are some of the most evil people that I know. It's always gossip amongst them, and you can feel hatred and snickering whenever someone gets expelled — a big reason why I don't speak my mind.

I do, however, find that I'm not the only one who feels that the church is way different from how it used to be. Privately, some close friends tell me they feel the same way but want to stay in the church to keep their relationships with their parents or to keep their good reputation. It's terrible that most (if not, all) who feel the way I do would rather stay in this environment because they know that they'll be tormented when they're out.

I feel so stuck. I want to leave as soon as I can. I get threatened by my parents that they'll kick me out to live on the streets if I don't want to attend worship services anymore. I want to be happy because I've wasted so much of my youth missing out on important events because I was told they were "evil". Now I see it is all for control and it feels like things will only continue to get worse from here.