Surgery results depression

I completed 6 rounds of TCHP chemo. It was hard. It left me very sick and bedridden for at least 5 days after each round. I wanted to quit. It made my depression even worse. At the midway scan, the tumor had only shrunk a tiny tiny bit, not even a measurable amount. But it had become much softer. At the end of chemo scan, I could not feel the tumor but it had only shrunk 1/3. I was not feeling optimistic. I had to pause all treatment for surgery.

Lumpectomy with sentinel node biopsy went as planned. However the pathology came back and I’m just…defeated. I want to give up and just let this kill me. The tumor was still positive for cancer (not a surprise) but they found cancer in 1 of 3 nodes removed that was a total surprise since all my scans they looked clean. My surgeon said it’s standard to remove ALL the nodes on that side, but the tumor board was divided on that and left the decision to me. I declined the additional surgery. But now I have to do more chemo, and a more intense radiation.

I feel like this stupid treatment is never going to end. I’m never going to have a normal life. I’m never going to be healthy. The diarrhea from TCHP never stopped; I’m still having to constantly take Imodium/lomotil to get by. And now I have to get more poison. The diarrhea is going to be my life for years now, isn’t it? I’m always so tired. I’m never going to be better, am I?