I don’t want to die.

Hello everyone, I am a maniacal alcoholic. This is my first time posting on reddit because normally I’ll get my answers scrolling through articles or comments, but I’m getting to a point that I’m anxious and afraid every time I open my eyes in the morning. I’m 25 years old, I’ve been drinking heavily since around when covid started and while I’ve had stints of sobriety, I haven’t been able to keep a grip on it. I’ve sacrificed more than I could possibly put into words in order to fulfill my addiction. I’m getting to the point where my inner thoughts are becoming dehumanizing. Drinking has turned me into somebody that I wouldn’t want the people I love to be around. I would never hurt myself (asides from filling my body with toxins everyday), but I’m genuinely afraid of the path I’m on. I can’t afford inpatient rehab and I feel like the clock is ticking faster everyday. There was a point I was sober for a bit over 2 months and it’s confusing as to why I would have ruined the feeling of absolute bliss by relapsing. I am going to seek help again and I ask for any suggestions or medications any of you have tried to get back to enjoying everyday life. I’ve lost self-confidence, close friends, financial stability, the majority of my hope and I’m struggling not to also lose myself. Thanks for reading and please shoot me some advice.