Best advice and truth bombs I’ve heard from an ADHD psychiatrist. I hope it helps someone as much as it has helped me.

I have seen five therapists in the past seven years, and all have been a bad experiences. I’ve felt unheard, misunderstood, and invalidated repeatedly. I often spend the session trying to explain myself or arguing with them in some capacity. One therapist finally sent me to a psychiatrist to discuss my depression medication and the psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD. I saw him for six weeks and he was able to explain things to me in a way that made perfect sense. Every session I had with him was life changing. Looking back, I’m pretty sure he was neurodivergent and all therapists I’ve seen are neurotypical. Below are a list of things he said that really helped me:

On ADHD: You’ve been searching for something your entire life and trying to figure out what’s missing. How come I’m smarter or more talented then these other people but I always fail or anxiety overwhelms me? Am I really just not good enough? It is the marker of ADHD. Never feeling good enough, always going down rabbit holes searching for the reason.

You need to get an ADHD coach probably more than a therapist. You need to find someone who understands your brain.

On Middle Age: Middle age women want easy relationships so they can grow and become who they are meant to be.

Everyone in their 40s goes through this “is this all there is” phase—sometimes for the rest of your life. When you reach your goals you see things differently and wonder what all the hustling was about. Like, I’ve done all that, now what? Did any of it matter?

On Midlife Crisis: A lot of people go through midlife crisis for 6months-2 years in their 40s were another side of them comes out. It’s not insanity, it’s just another side of them that has been hiding. Sometimes they snap out of it and return, but they can’t undo what’s been done and what everyone has seen—their other side is there and it may come back, and it may stay. What to do: Think about what do you want with the rest of your life? How do you want it to look?

On Mothering and Responsibility: When you weren’t mothered well it is very scary to be a mother, because you don’t know what to do and you feel very responsible for everything. The responsibility you feel for them is love.

On Childhood Neglect: You felt neglected as a child, but someone always had their eyes on you—someone was always looking out for you. Neighbors, siblings, friends, relatives, teachers; there were others watching over you. Even though it wasn’t your parents, it wasn’t who you wanted, there were people there.

EDIT: It appears a lot of people were offended by the childhood neglect post above. I wish I could remove it as it is being taken very personally and upsetting people. It was specific advice to me that resonated after a long conversation. For context: I grew up in the 80s in a small town where you stayed out of other peoples family business (even obvious abuse), kids were seen as a nuisance, and teachers were allowed to hit us. He wasn’t referring to the adults in my life/the state/the schools the should have been there, it was a subtle reframe to look for those that shaped and helped me in a positive way—the girl that gave me her lunch ticket once and said she wasn’t hungry, the neighbor that let me babysit her cat when they were traveling and let me stay for a few hours to “keep the cat company”, the dog that slept outside my bedroom door, the friends house that was the first place I ever felt truly safe and used as a template for what I wanted my children’s home to feel like—those are the memories that came back when he said that, small glimmers of kindness/ guidance/respite that I had forgotten about in my grief. I felt hope that things could get better and be different. It helped me with cycle breaking. The focus wasn’t meant to be about the abusers or to dismiss what had gone very very wrong. It is similar to the famous Mr Rogers look for the helpers in a crisis phrase. If it still offends you, then it is not meant for you. Toss it out.

On Aging Parents: If you don’t want to be a caretaker for your parents, don’t be. Don’t do what you’re not good at or don’t want to. Be the overseer, the manager. Pick your role and be good at it and delegate the rest out to the village, to social programs. Figure out your role and do it well so you do not feel guilt or overwhelm.

Taking care of your parents will be almost like raising kids—the amount of work will overwhelm you if you don’t have a plan.

On In-Law Family Responsibility: You’re in charge of your people (family/friends) he’s in charge of his—in regard to family drama, emotional needs, troubles between you and in-laws, gifts.

On Covert Narcissists: These people will flock to you. A quick way to see them is to ask yourself this question “do they put themselves at the center of every tragedy”?

Your childhood taught you how to handle people like this and take care of yourself. You get to decide the relationship, you are in charge of how you want to show up and how you want this story to be told. You teach your children how to handle people like this by how you behave.

Think of how do you want this relationship to look big picture, how do you want your kids to remember it?

These notes may be really basic to others, idk, but they really helped me see the world more clearly. I have more, if you are interested :)