help what’s wrong with me

everything in my life is going wrong and i feel like im spinning out of control, i have a asthma and acid reflux so im very strict about the way i live, how i do things, my eating habits. i’ve been very good about smoking. i was a chronic vaper and weed smoker but quit suddenly almost 2 years ago it was hard. i also due to my reflux maintain a incredibly strict diet and have been for 3 months but lately everything is going wrong and i feel like a failure. past 3 weeks ive just been not caring??? i guess. i have been eating everything i haven’t eaten in 4 months, also smoked weed the other night and i feel really bad about this because i feel like im trying to harm myself. i tell myself i wont do it again but i keep breaking my diet, i wont smoke again though but maybe its because i feel so tired of caring. im tired of hating my life and being depressed. i feel no joy in life. everyday i wake up, oatmeal and a chicken and potato. i hate food and i honestly hate life everything is dull im sick of it. i smoked weed and i felt so sick and depressed im just lost and i hate how i keep hurting myself