Am I overreacting? My husband calls me lazy.

My (30f) husband (30m) and I have been together 11 years. We have two boys, ages 3 and 11 months. I work full time, 45+ hours a week. He does the same. I provide all benefits for our family, so my take home pay is less than his, even though we both make identical salaries. Because of this, he constantly reminds me that he makes more. His job is physically harder, no question. Mine is an office job doing work for public transit, while he works in a warehouse. However, I don’t believe that diminishes my contributions to our family and makes my job any less than his. After having my youngest, I fell hard into postpartum depression, and as such, I let everything fall apart at home. I kept us alive, but I wasn’t happy. I’m still not. However, I have a wonderful therapist and psychiatrist who help me immensely. I’ve found a hobby again (reading fantasy novels) and generally am starting to feel like I can breathe again. My house really suffered during the past year, and my husband almost never even pretended to offer assistance. Instead, I’ve been yelled at and called lazy. I’ve been told he hates me. We hardly have sex anymore, and I just found out he asked for my “friends” OF, and she gave it to him knowing that we’re married.

I’m just… lost. Today I came home from work, after going grocery shopping and picking up the kids to find him already home from work. He didn’t even think to offer to pick up the kids. He then yelled at me about last night’s dirty dishes, and again told me I’m lazy and he hates me. I did nothing but clean all weekend while he “helped” by taking our 3 year old to the amusement park and left me with the baby.

We’ve been trying couples counseling and it’s not helping. Am I overreacting by thinking about leaving? He hasn’t always been this way, so maybe he’s struggling with his mental health too, but he absolutely refuses to get any help. I literally can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I don’t want to abandon him if he needs help.

Update:

I don’t know how to most effectively update everyone. I’ve been overwhelmed with your mostly overwhelming support. Thank you all for the advice. I’ve spent the last 7 days exceptionally overwhelmed trying to plan my next steps. Like someone said, what would I tell my best friend? I’d tell her she deserves better. That this is not the environment her kids need. Obviously, it’s harder when you’re the one in the situation. I am so in love with my husband that I probably wouldn’t mind the abuse if it were just us. But you’re right. I deserve better, and my kids deserve better. So, I’m actively seeking out somewhere safe for us to go. I haven’t told him yet, I need to secure a safe space first. But, I just wanted you all to know I’m working through it. Thank you all.