I’m horrified by the consequences of my actions

I’m horrified by the consequences of my actions

TW: sexual abuse

To preface I am sharing my perspective as a former abuser who is suffering from guilt from my actions. My pain is a drop in the ocean compared to the survivor of my actions. I wished to share cause I am deciding to be better.

Today, I received a text from my high school ex from 10 years ago. I hadn’t heard from her in a long time which I soon learned was for good reasons.

In the text my ex described that in our relationship, I was emotionally and sexually abusive. Because of this the survivor has been diagnosed with PTSD from my actions. No more details are necessary for a reddit post

This revelation rocked me to my core. Over the years reflecting I knew I was in someway emotionally abusive but the sexual abuse was something I had not come to terms with and honestly, I don’t know how I can come to terms with it. It was not something I was cognisant of until the text today. Now I am seeking to educate myself of the trappings of an abuser and want to eradicate that part of myself.

If this is any solace for those who hate me (which is understandable) the abuse I put my ex through has not reoccurred in my life. But now i can only see myself as an abuser. This is something I will have to carry for the rest of my life and I’m horrified. I’m horrified to admit to any future partner I have that I was an abuser.

I understand the root cause of how it happened now that I am a more mature person. I was a stupid depressed child who did not know how to express love appropriately and in the end all I did was cause trauma and pain. While this is a reason, it doesn’t excuse what I had done.

This post is the first step in self-acceptance and self forgiveness. In other aspects of my life I have learned that I will not be able to stop the cycle of hurting others I need to forgive myself and start moving forward. I don’t know if I can do that here. This will be my hardest journey yet and I hope I can become better in the future.