I’m scared

Things are getting so much worse. I don’t think it’s ever going to get better. I graduate this year and it feels like my life is already over, everything is ruined. I’ve been debating suicide since November last year. I don’t want to do it because I’m scared and I know my dad would be devastated. But it feels like the only option, I don’t want to live like this for the next four or so years.

I’ve been trying to ignore everything that’s happening through social media but it’s just not working. I can’t avoid it anywhere, not even irl. I know people suggest therapy but it didn’t go well the first time I went when I was 16. When my therapist asked me questions I didn’t know what to say half the time and when I did talk she could barely hear me because my voice is really quiet. For some reason, I never went back. I just assumed it was too expensive for my dad.

I don’t know if I want to go back to therapy to be honest. I’m a really anxious person and the environment felt so overwhelming, I didn’t like it. I’m bad at talking to people too. Most of the time I don’t even know what to say. I know I should talk to my dad about it but I’m even anxious around my family and I don’t even know how to bring it up.

I’m scared for the future, it’s going to be horrible. Just thinking about it makes me wanna cry. I don’t have anyone irl to talk to because I’m just too awkward and quiet.