Update: Wifes' Rant

So its been a year and a bit since my last post... Things have got significantly better between husband 37M and me 36F. He stopped streaming, spends more time with our child. Has become way more patient and its also been helping to slowly heal our relationship. He's seldom angry and i think the stress of juggling too many things what was making that situation so much worse.

We had some deep discussions and he has admitted inability to relate and bond with his child, the stress, anxiety and few that he was going to die or lose his job basically running his life for that time.

I also feel like remembering that this account exists is somewhat of a blessing.

Because I just found out I'm pregnant again and feeling absolutely terrified of changes that will come in - this in a way could be a wake up call.

So after all that, things are significantly better since im really stable in my current job. Our relationship is better. Kid(3F) is happy.

My job does a very good maternity package with additional leave added and subsidy salary for the standard duration (6m paid, and I can take 8 months on top partially paid @ just under 20% my income). So that alone would take huge pressure off if I was to take the whole bulk before returning to work and eldest would be settled in school by then too. We're both on 35% higher salary than we were 4 years ago - so less financial stress in the mix.

But I'm wondering if I should just go through abortion because I'm unsure I can:

  • rely on him 100%; most i will get is 80%
  • be excited knowing that second child will 99% be the cause for divorce in 2-3 years
  • feel stable enough and raise 2 emotionally mature kids

I genuinely don't know if this is something I can handle. To top it off, I've been diagnosed with ADHD. I know my limits, and I'm still learning about myself and how to manage ADHD meltdowns better, I cannot honestly say I have it in me for two kids, and no matter what he says I know he doesn't have it in him either.

I can barely be a good mom on the hard days to my toddler. How will i manage with a baby on top. I feel like i would fail them both by not having mental, emotional or psychological capacity to give each what they need.

I can just barely picture a life with a second child. I can only picture cuddling a new baby, I cant even picture parenting two kids at the same time.

My husband simply does not have capacity for a second, but he's trying to be both realistic and supportive. He's touched on topic of us then needing a bigger house etc. Noted bonus is that we already have all the baby things.

So reddit help, I still kind of want this baby but I'm more scared and put off that I will be feeling all these things and more that I felt a year ago. She would be great with her sibling, she's a sweet kid and has been asking for a baby sibling. I don't know what to do. As things stand they would have to share a room. And at the same time, I feel like this should be a one and done situation. A year ago I was 110% against having any more kids with this person. Our last dog will need to be put to sleep before the end of the year as she is quite ill as well..

Is it possible at all this will not turn into a same shit situation I was in a year ago? I just feel so lost, this wasn't planned and happened on a pill. So here I am and just not knowing what to do. 5 weeks pregnant and really torn. I feel like a bad person wanting to end it because i feel afraid and unwilling to sacrifice my comfort that i have today and risk things getting much worse than they were a year ago or even the same.