Wife's rant

Today's my husbands bday. Normally i do something fairly crazy every few years. This year i preordered certain collectible. It will take much longer to arrive etc. But i never see him put this much effort ever for me. Store flowers, a card.

Mothers day this year hurt, again. Last year i got myself flowers. This year i didnt even bother. He didnt even say "happy mothers day". Nothing on Valentines day. We talked about that at length before she was born, that i want us make memories for her, do events, do special days in the year where we are a family and do stuff.

I did the math, between his work, gaming, streaming and work travel, on average i have a husband and dad a generous 2hours per day. More on weekends. Thats also time for cooking, doing chores etc and time that HE spends getting her ready in the mornings.

When hes with her he just mostly has no patience to explain or teach her why that cant be touched, why that is off limits, why that is etc. He just raises his voice, yankes her around "dont touch, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH"

My almost two year olds favourite phrase is "DONT TOUCHY" and waving her finger.

Seriously, he speaks to her like a dog. And i cant bring it out without him going "BUT, blaaaaa". One night i actually asked him if he even wants to be a parent because what im seeing is that hes not. He just went defensive, then silent and made a face that he doesnt get where its coming from.

I set an ultimatum, he gets therapy for his anger issues and takes parenting therapy. He hasn't signed up to either yet.

I haze zero energy left for him, or trying to explain why something upsets me because its all met with a "BUT".

During pregnancy he told everyone and their grandma how much i was struggling with gestational hypertension (turned to preeclampsia). I had horrible nausea - hg. My nutritionist sent me a file with recipes to try - i begged my husband to cook them. Does he? He didnt even open it.

He cooks few times, each time selecting something i absolutely cannot handle - like "all butter chicken" cooked in a literal 300g of butter. Taste made me sick - then he used that to say he cant cook anything cause i wont eat it anyway. So we go onto takeouts 3-5 times a week and ofc takeout wasnt gonna make my bp any better!

Best highlight was me asking for 2 months, begging for him to clean the shower because it was slippy, dirty af, and i wasnt steady on my feet. I ended up scrubbing it myself with bleach at almost 6.5 months on all fours and he came in saying "YOU COULDVE JUST ASKED ME"

Second we got married, and i got pregnant he decided to find ANYTHING to occupy himself with instead of spending time with his pregnant wife and baby.

I feel so much resentment you have no idea. I feel rage, i feel like crying - i almost HATE him for all this. It HURTS.

A month ago i send him a text, that we were over if he didnt change something. That he spent last two years getting a new family aka his stream friends but has since shut me and OUR baby out. That all this time he couldve spent growing our relationship he decided to grow a following of strangers (its really not that large mostly his streamer friends watch each others streams)

I came back to work and changed jobs quite instantly. Im working full time, every month i've an infection, tonsillitis or covid. Had covid twice since last july. Took week long sick leave 8 times. Child is off sick all the time from creche so we work and sit with her during work hours and get nothing done. Am 3 months behind my work. I'm struggling, and i'm just drowning.

Few weeks ago out of spite he didnt wake me up - i was so out from no sleep that week (just 1st week back to work after covid where i was coughing up blood) i overslept, he didnt wake me for a reason and i quote "im sick of you relying on me" - i just asked him, if i cant rely on my husband the fudge is this marriage for?

All he does is complain to people how our daughter is SO MUCH WORK, but i buy her clothes, i prepare her clothes, i pack her clothes for creche, he just puts them on in the morning, and 50% time puts her to bed. The other time he complains, raises his voice and taps her hands for playing with water in the dog bowl, trying to lick the floor, trying to touch cables and occasionally trying to touch his lego. All of which couldve been a learning opportunities for the child - like have a conversation why that is a no-no. But no. He's got a "BUT" statement for that too as to how he was in the right.

I only see him paint a picture to everyone else like a loving father and husband, but actions - they are very few, apart absolute basics. And oh the groping - thats how he thinks he shows me love. Groping.

I know that since i had therapy i had outgrown a lot of bs. We had couples therapy so he could catch up to those changes. Its significantly better but also worse - its like hes become more dismissive instead.

Im tired of trying to fix it. I dont know whats left to fix. I just feel lost, hurt, scammed.

Update I get that everybody has a bad day. But id like for him to be able to speak to her like he loves her, every parent gets frustrated and looses their shit now and then. But i want him not to do it. Since its got no positive value, outcome or learning - it just ends up with a crying child who goes back and does same thing again and again and again.

This is the issue - he does what his parents did to him. He doesn't think it through - he just reacts more than half the time. Sad part - when he does catch himself in the process he DOES actually correct himself he will lower his voice, get to her lever and talk.

But days hes having a bad day at work, is stressed, or shes sick and we have to parent her while working - those are the worst days. But its still not enough until hes able to truly correct his lack of patience.

Its like im getting a lot of comments jumping to divorce from people who havent gone through the toddler years. Being a sleep deprived parents with zero support from outside is hard enough without our marriage having issues. Being sleep deprived parents, turning on each other out of frustration and exhaustion - this is what we have. Hes checking out cause hes tired and im burnt out - so what you think is a solution? Cause divorce isnt it just yet.

He CAN and is ABLE to put in more effort. I just dont understand what is stopping him if he loved us.

More Context Before i was 12 weeks pregnant, he was quite loving but thats when things started getting harder for me, and my demands for needing him to step up grew. He decided after talking to other "dads" taht im just hormonal crazy hoe at some point. I think mostly it came from his dad. He started getting more dismissive and took up full time streaming as "an outlet". Dismissiveness grew, with more issues i was having in pregnancy -

-sciatica; cant sit/ walk

-hg diagnosis; permanent full on morning sickness where i was loosing weight instead of gaining any (i lost 6 kilos from 10 weeks to 24)

-gestational hypertension - started at 22 weeks - same week i got diagnosed as one of 2 dogs was rushed for emergency surgery and we had to make a heartbeaking choice not to proceed (tumour burst on spleen and dozens more found around all her organs, hiding under liver etc - 4-6 week prognosis)

-i was hospitalised 3 times for few days to a week at a time due to blood pressure control issues

-turned to preeclampsia at 34 weeks and i was hospitalised at 35 weeks = preemie delivery few days later.

Basically he was telling everyone how worried he was about me but emotionally he wouldn't be present nor help or do what i begged him to with an attitude like it was "oh its just her hormones". I lost my happiness around that time and i just resent him so much for being just a pure useless wanker when i needed him most.

Once baby was born we both really struggled but he continued gaming and streaming. Then he had cancer diagnosis when she was 3.5m old - i had severe postpartum before it, got a lot worse once that came to light. Surgery, followed by surgery and chemo. His parents basically didnt help at all, and cause they were so sad, put us on silent treatment for months after i begged for help due to postpartum depression and needed really needed help for safety of newborn.

There was a lot in 2 years. I cannot just dismiss state of his own physical and mental health during that time and since then. We had zero support from his family becasue and i quote his dad "they raised theirs completely alone so they will not be helping". His wife was SAHM. Im not. I wasn't asking much, just few hours on weekends so i wouldn't unalive the baby and/or myself.

I dont know where my expectations should be given that last 2 years were a pure hellish roller coaster of doom. Adult life is really not easy. Everything is not black and white, its shades of grey areas and patches of "eh that is probably acceptable if i look the other way and say nothing".