I JUST WANT GOD TO GET OFF OF ME

I can't go on a day without thinking of God and like everyday has been hellfire for me

Like what is all these?? A test??? Why do you have to make it so harsh?????? You can't even reveal yourself to me and can't even talk to me in whatever way you communicate. You show me my friends striving in life while you put me in this miserable position? Is this how you strengthen me in this so called "test"? Well it's not even working! All these days has been making me weak to the point my whole dignity is completely destroyed!

If God so love me then why the hell did he make me like this? All other Christians are so blessed by God but me?? What is so wrong with me that the most highest being unimaginable is neglecting me? Am I really that bad out of all existence? Am I supposedly predestined to hell and I wasnt supposed to be saved???? Is God just playing with me when he could just snap his fingers to make me disappear forever

Let's see after I post this, maybe I could see Jesus in my dream and personally talk to me or he could do something to make up for every insufferable days I went through