I Can't Do This Anymore

I know it doesn't matter to anyone, but I'm here to say goodbye, for my own sake, and a sense of closure. It's time to take a big step back from social media of all kinds, and especially anything trans-related. I'm posting this here because this is by far the most positive and supportive trans sub I've seen. You are all wonderful people who have made a difference in my life, and for that I'm grateful.

After the US election I resolved to never surrender. I'm Canadian, but our country is going in the same direction, and we also have an election coming up. Anti-trans talking points have been prominent for some time, but our likely next Prime Minister is sure to take yet another page out of Trump's playbook and make us a prime target. After a week or more of grieving, I felt galvanized and defiant, and started taking more steps forward with my transition. For the first time since deciding to transition I had a vision and a rough timeline. I was going to change my name and gender legally as soon as possible, and get on the waitlist for surgery, while these things are still options. I came out to a couple more people at work, and had a plan to come out fully in the Spring. I was terrified, but excited, and felt like I was doing the right thing for the first time in my life. I planned to get involved and do whatever was necessary to fight for trans rights in any way I could.

Now, less than a month later, I feel just as hopeless as ever, and probably more. It's been made abundantly clear to me many times over, both online and in real life, that I am not welcome in any trans community, or any community anywhere. I don't belong. I'm an outsider and an outcast and always will be. When I realized I was trans, I thought I'd found my people, but I was wrong. I have no people. I have no friends, and no family. I have no support whatsoever. My therapist at the Gender Identity Clinic, who was supposed to help me negotiate the complicated process of medical transition has ghosted me for the second time. My doctor is on leave indefinitely after breaking my trust and I don't know who will replace her, but I don't think I will trust anyone ever again. I have enough E to last another 3 months and then I'm done.

The sad truth is that I'm not strong enough to transition. I'm a failure as a man, and a failure as a woman. I don't know what I am anymore, and I don't even care. I'm just a non-entity. I should never have started transitioning, but it's too late to go back. I'm looking forward to the end of this miserable existence.

A few weeks ago I made a coming out statement on Facebook and said I would never stop, but here I am, giving up. I'm done. I'm exhausted, and I can't withstand the hate from other trans people anymore. I'm not one of you, and I'm finally accepting that. I wish you all the best. Thank you for being here. You have made my life better in more ways than you will ever know. May joy and happiness fill your hearts and lives. I cannot be an ally because I have to try to survive for as long as I can for the sake of my daughter, and that is going to consume all my resources, but I'll be thinking of you all from the bottom of the black hole that is my eternal home and destiny.

Love and peace,

Darla

Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented. I feel less alone now, and more like I can find a way through this somehow. I wouldn't have made it this far without the Reddit trans communities, especially this one. I will forever appreciate the kind and wonderful souls who have been there for me when no one else was, including now. I'm not giving up, just changing course and trying to find myself again after becoming very lost, confused, and overwhelmed. I wanted to be a woman, but I'm really just a broken little girl, and I need time to heal and gather my strength for the hard times that lie ahead.

For anyone who has seen I Saw The TV Glow, I see this as burying myself alive so that I can emerge as my true self. I'll remember the things that have been said here. They mean a lot to me. I'm logging out now, and I don't know when I'll be back, but you've all given me hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 💕