Stopped TMS during 4th round, doctor did not seem super supportive.

Hi everyone,

I spent the last year doing TMS basically as much as I could, completing 3 rounds of about 40 sessions each over half of 2023 and most of 2024. I started my 4th round a few weeks ago, and realized that the dip was hitting me harder than ever. I did some thinking and after talking with my partner, I decided to stop this round of TMS. I had never felt the dip this bad, and on top of several other major stressors in my life right now, I just feel like I cant handle the dip of TMS alongside everything else. The dip is usually very long for me, with me not seeing any relief from the dip until about the 27th session. That is something I was able to deal with before I had the stress of moving and a major life transition coming up very quickly. I pushed through even when I was borderline suicidal, and saw the benefit, so I do understand the process very well.

I just had my appointment with the doctor to tell him I'd like to stop, and he just really tried to convince me to keep going. He was saying people usually see relief soon as I'm at the 9th session, and I told him I just cant deal with it right now. It's so much stress, and right now is not the time for me. I've already completed so much treatment, and I feel like I'm ready for a break. It just felt so strange and bad when he was trying to convince me to stay, and seemed upset when I told him I couldnt, and that I did not want to receive treatment today either. I'd never seen him act like this, but I know he was surprised by my decision to stop. I wasn't sure if he was thinking that I had lost faith in TMS, or if I had just caught him off guard. The whole experience just didn't go the way I thought it would, and I left the office feeling like I'd made the wrong decision, despite feeling more and more confident about that decision for the last two weeks while I was off of TMS due to the holidays. He did tell me if I feel strongly about it then he understands, but his convincing really did make me doubt myself and make me feel bad about my decision.

I fully understand the benefits of TMS, as my depression, anxiety and WHO-5 scores have improved so much. I went from a 21 on the WHO-5 to a 52 over the course of this year, and I have become a functional person again. I go to therapy and psychiatry, and I feel very supported in both of those spaces. I have felt the relief from TMS, but I genuinely do feel like I am at a point where I'd like to pour my efforts into therapy for a while and see where it gets me. I'm not putting TMS down forever, I just really feel like I need a break, because for me it is extremely mentally and physically tolling. I just can't handle that type of stress right now. I'm also just feeling very sentimental about it, as I've been attending the same clinic for over a year, and will not be able to return since I am moving too far away to go to this one anymore. If i continue TMS, I can still do the treatment with the same company, just at a different location closer to my new home. Change is difficult for me, so this has been an emotional factor in this.

I just really feel like I failed and gave up this time. I know I didn't, but theres that part of me that just feels like such a failure for stopping.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Please let me know your thoughts, I could really use the connection right now.