Venting about 3yo that refuses everything

I’m a SAHM that wants to “do all the things” with my 3 year old. I want to read to her, make dinner with her, do preschool activities with her and make crafts with her. My 3 year old wants none of it. I made her a unicorn foam sensory bin, it took 15-20 minutes of my time to do it. As soon as she saw the foam she said “Ew yucky” and refused to play with it. She continued to bang on our back door glass yelling “ewww.” I once made her a cookie playset from felt cookies that she could decorate with glitter glue. She screamed and cried like someone hurt her.

She is picky with food which means she’s pretty much always hangry. On a daily basis she just wants candy or plain bread. He listens to foods that she likes or hates changes day to day, so there are always meltdowns about that.

For the last several to let us read books to her, instead looking at the books by herself. Her balance has gone unused because every time she gets on it she drops it on purpose and says “I can’t do it”. We try to to teach her but she refuses. She refused to color or paint for the better part of a year. Now in preschool she’s kind of behind the other students. She has had a bit of an issue with following directions at school.

She screams and whines over the tiniest thing. We don’t go running to her or encourage any of this behavior. We’ve been trying for well over a year to not make meal times a big deal. We also spend a lot of time with her. All in hopes that she recognizes what behavior doesn’t fly with us. Her will is so strong. We’re doing gentle-ish parenting with more emphasis on good behavior rather than bad. My mother (a boomer) has been staying with us for a month and her only advice is to spank her. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this but my husband who is also having a hard time dealing with our daughter. I read books, blogs and podcasts about parenting but haven’t found anything that works that seems to engage her in doing stuff that follows rules or prescribed way of doing something. Our daughter is great at playing pretend games that she makes up. I try to extend her games into something that builds a skill (like if she’s pretending to find her lost unicorn, I give her a crayon and paper to draw posters). Then that’s when her refusal starts. She only wants things her way.

Does this end? How do I get her to understand that sometimes we need to follow directions?

This is a vent post. (I want advice but please don’t patronize me by saying “Well, you’re the adult” or “preschooler would never make me feel bad.”) (also I had a hard time editing this on my phone, so please excuse the typos).