I Have Feelings for My Best Friend: A Confession Two Years in the Making

It's 3 am and I'm writing this kaya feel ko sobrang haba.

I know na hindi lang sa akin ito nangyare but I just want to talk about it kase sabi sa internet, the only way to release it is to acknowledge my feelings and pag-usapan. Yea yea dapat with a person, but im too shy to open it up with someone.

I met him 2 yrs ago. He was a trainee and I'm one of the considered SME nung time na 'yon. To all the BPO peeps you know na kapag sinabing SME, minsan thru title lang but not really by papers.

Nothing really special nung nakita ko siya kase having jowa is the least na asa priority ko. Dahil although it's been a year na, at that time, nung nakipag break ako sa ex fiance ko, I know na I am healing pa rin. Singit ko lang na having that breakup is worst of the worst. Talagang nabaliw ako and it took me months para makarecover and mag function uli. Dahil din dun I was diagnosed with depression.

Going back, dahil oonti na lang yung mga tenured at may alam non sa process, ako ang nagsupport sa kanila. I'm a TQ (Trainer-Quality) wanna-be kaya pumayag ako. They were 7 nung time na 'yon and halos nagiisa lang ako kaya hirap ako. My personality went from being bubbly na newbie to masungit (but approachable daw) na support. It became harder nung may nadagdag na tatlo pa. Tinutulungan naman ako ng ibang tenured pero mostly it's me kaya pagod ako.

Hanggang one day, nag-breakdown ako. Hindi ko na kinaya. Dumarami yung errors ng team at ako yung nasisisi dahil ako yung support. Yung pressure na maging TQ, yung pagod, emotional stress, halo halo na. Umiyak ako sa floor and he stand up. He messaged me na he is feeling useless sa mga ganyan ganyang bagay dahil hindi raw siya marunong magcomfort pero he will try his best daw na magsupport. Gusto ko umiyak sa labas but I have no choice kase wlang maiiwan sa team para magsupport. I will not forget how he told me na lumabas na muna ako to cry and siya muna ang bahala.

So I did. And when I came back. He was there. A newbie supporting his team. And you thought na nagkagusto na ako sa kanya that time? No. I'm so focused with my ambitions and I saw him more of a threat rather than a partner.

What he did was a bold move, and hindi lang ako ang nakakita ng potential sa kanya pati na rin ang mga managers hanggang sa pareha na kaming Tq apprentice. BTW, I have a habit of getting close sa mga taong may potential, sabi nga nila "keeps your friends close, but your enemies closer" Naging super close kami. Every after shift, nirarant ko sa kanya yung work. Tinuturuan ko siya ng mga complex process. Naging bonding din namin ang pageevaluate ng calls. Basta yung topic namin e puro work and mga tao sa work HAHA. And also, isa lang dadaanan naming way kaya sabay kami umuwi.

As expected, dahil close kami, shiniship kami ng mga kawork namin. There's this one time na tinanong ako ng mga ka-wave niya kung anong gusto ko sa lalaki. "Yung hindi bobo... Matangkad and nakasalamin" BTW, he is tall pero hindi nakasalamin. I have to admit, may same features sila ng ex fiance ko and God knows how I built a wall denying my feelings for him kase iniisip ko baka kamukha lang ng ex ko. Hanggang one day, pumasok siya ng merong salamin. Apparently, my friend asked him to wear glasses pala kase bagay daw salamin kaniya. Pero I know na ginawa lang 'yon ng friend ko para magkagusto ako dun. And I also have to admit, may itsura siya. Alam niyo yung sinasabi ni Kathryn na "kapag inlove ka, tumitigil yung mundo mo?" Shet Ive felt that. (yuck pero lol kung babasahin mo 'to, Sai omg i swear nandidiri rin ako sa wordings ko HAHAHAHA)

Weird. But it worked. Naging close kami lalo. Nagkaroon kami ng squad na always nagttravel together. Every after shift, travels tapos inuman etc etc. Pangasinan, EK, Tagaytay, bars, hindi ko na maalala yung iba lol. My feelings grew stronger but my walls were too high. I kept denying to myself. Pag tinatanong kami kung gusto ko ba siya I kept telling people na BESTFRIEND ko siya. Inaasar kami lalo sa floor. People are starting to take pics of us discreetly and it started to annoy me. Natatakot ako na makarating sa pamilya ko na may nagugustuhan na naman ako. That's when it started to get messy. Naging close lang kami pero yung toxicity sa floor andoon pa rin and worst. My feelings were deep pero my ambitions are holding me. I want to earn more. Gusto ko maging TQ. Pero ilang promotions yung hindi matuloy tuloy kaya napagod ako. Gusto ko na mag-quit sa work and Ive felt that they are using him para mag-stay ako. So iniwasan ko siya. Nag-resign ako.

I know na yun yung best for me and for my mental health. Nagresign ako pero instead of completely quitting, inofferan ako na itransfer sa kabilang department instead. Up to this day, accepting that offer is the best decision I did in my career. I am now surrounded ng mga genuine na tao. Sobrang babait ng mga boss and caring ng mga colleagues ko. And btw, Quality Analyst na ako in a hybrid-setup meaning may days na asa bahay ako may days na asa floor. The work-life balance na I am aiming.

Nagkaroon din ako ng ex-fling sa floor. But that didn't work out dahil rin siguro sa may feelings pa ako kay Sai.

Akala ko I am okay na with just running from my feelings hanggang someone asked me kung nagkakagusto pa ba ako sa tao. Asa point na kase ako ng life ko na puro work na lang daw iniisip ko. Naguusap pa rin naman kami ng bestfriend ko but casually. Minsan lumalabas pero not as usual as before.

I've told them na gusto ko yung bestfriend ko pero I begged them na wag ako asarin because that's the exact reason bakit ako naannoy sa kabila. I dont talk much about it but since nalaman na nila na I have feelings for him, naging bukambibig ko siya. "Ay yung bestfriend ko mahilig din diyan" "Nakakakain na kami diyan before ni ano" "Nagpunta na kami before diyan" And haha as expected they pushed me na umamin. OMG. No! Maliban sa dinedeny ko pa feelings ko para sa kanya for more than 2 yrs, best friend ang tingin ko sa kanya kaya I found it to be cringe.

My colleagues tried to invite him sa eat out and I can see from their faces na pinupush nila akong umamin.

After that night, they talked to me. I am doing this to free myself. Baka it is time na irelease yung feelings ko to allow myself to heal again and to save the friendship. Hindi pwedeng tuwing nabubuksan yung feelings ko sa kanya ay iiwas ako. Iiwasan ko siya. That's unfair.

In my mind alam ko na kapag umamin ako, I will still have my bestfriend.

Then that day finally came. I gave him my gift for the holidays dahil naka leave ako ng matagal and I won't be seeing him for long. I asked him kung gusto niya sumama samin for a road trip but he is busy trying to finish his allocations before holidays.

"Alam kong alam mo naman na matagal na. Matagal na rin naman na ito. Pero gusto kita."

He thanked me but before he left, he asked me kung dinare nila ako to do that and told him "no"

I went back to my colleague's car and cried. I was beyond happy dahil I've freed myself. Never in those two years I have imagined na aamin ako.

It's been days since I did that. The fear of losing the friendship is still here. But whatever. It is what it is.

Yun lang matutulog na ako uli HAHAHAHA mwaaps