HELP ME SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME

Hi i will start my story from the very beginning.

Aile ma varkar class 11 ma pugye ani maile chai Science leko chhu.But i'm confused if i should be doing it ki nai vanera

When i was in 8th standard ma average student thiye ani ramrari pass ni hunthiye but my maths was weak teti bela pani tara i passed grade 8th.

Ani maile class 9th ma Opt. Maths liye but ma chai bistarai compulsive habits develop garna thalye ani ma chai Hath dhui rakhney, Pani khayo vaney ni sip count garney, hideko steps haru count garney, body movement lai notice garney aafno, aafu le lagako luga ni touch vayo vaney dimag ma jpeaitei thoughts aauney, ani hami kunai kura dimag ma imagine garna sakchhau ni dimag ma images aauchha ni my mind used to tell me ki (tei same kura imagine gar natra something bad will happen to someone close to me or me, (for example mero aagadhi 1 bottle chha hai ani maile aafno aakha banda garey ani tespachhi mero dimag ma tyo bottle ko image ekchhin samman aauchha haina but mero dimag malai tyo bottle maile aakha close garda jasto dekheko thiye ni tei same position ma same direction ma kunai pani kura change nagarera imagine garr natra something bad will happen bhanthiyo ani yestai rituals haru follow garna lauthiyo), ani maile past ma gayeko thau haru malai na mannparney imagine hunthiyo ani rituals follow garna lauthiyo ani follow na garyo vaney i will get stucked there forever bhanthiyo and it used to seem so real ki maile follow pani garthiye, ani teti matra haina mero dimag thought lai matra na bhayera words lai pani jpaeitei kura sanga connect garthiyo like ( Death word chha ni ma tyo word ma ni kk kura imagine garera connect garthiye ani different rituals follow garthiye to remove that word influence jastai death word ko lagi i used to think ki someone close to me will die vanera ani rituals follow garthiye ki kei na ramro na hos vanera), ma padney bela ni jpeaitei words haru sochthiye ani kk word haru dimag ma connect huthiyo ani malai rituals follow gar bhanthiyo ani ma padhna ni sakthiyena ramrari ra concentrate ta jhanai sakthiyena, maile kunai kura note down garyo vaney ni kunai kura mistake huda purai 2,3 page chhodna lauthiyo dimag le ani notes bhari (kor kar) matra gareko huthiye ani kaile kai ta 1,2 words wrong vayo vaney copy nai use garthiyena due to scary compulsive thoughts, maile instagram chalauda ni different kura dekhyo natra comment ma kunai word lekheko chha vaney ni compulsive thought follow garthiye ani rituals garthiye ani there is more to this.

Mero compulsive thoughts time sanga badhdai gayo ani mero padhai ma focus garna sakdai thiyena i failed for the first time in class 9th ko 1st term ma in Opt. Maths tei ni ma kei garna sakirako thiyena i was confused myself ki ma k garirachhu vanera ani teti bela malai tha pani thiyena ki yesto thoughts normal ho ki haina vanera. Ani time bittdai gayo mero compulsive habits ni badhdai gayo padhai ma ni focus huna lageyna ani 9th ko finals aayo maile exams bhanda 1 week aghi school bata ghar basna suru garey ani padhey mero sathi sanga (sathi ra mero ghar najik chha ani tol ko sathi vayera ek arka ko ghar ma parents le sutna allowed gareko chhan) but still ma concentrate garna sakirako thiyena nata padhna sakirako thiye na ta lekhna mero mind ma continuous thoughts aauthiyo. Tei pani ma balla talla class 9 pass vaye ani 10 ma pugye.

Mero halat was no better instead it was getting worse ani 10th ni suru vayo boards. School ma padhauda ni ma kei bujhthiyena mero dhyan arkei tira hunthiyo ani compulsive rituals garthiyo tespachhi 10th ko first term aayo ni ma Comp. Maths ra Opt.Maths dubai ma fail vaye ani maile results school ko class ma dekhauney bela hereko thiye but ghar lageko thiyena ( teti bela samma maile ghar wala lai kei ni vaneko thiyena malai yesto yesto bhairako chha vanera ani ma vanna ki sakthiyena kinaki malai yesto yesto bhako chha vanera maile aru lai vanyo vaney ni jpeaitei hunchha bhanthiyo ani i was scared ani rituals follow garthiye ) ani malai parents le 9th samman halka risayeni disappointed thiyenan studies ko lagi but class 10th ko Bhadra month tira mero situation worse hudai jadai thiyo ani manchhe haru le ni mero daily habits ma hideko steps ganney, kunai samman table ko edge ma rakhney jasto notice garna thalye tespachhi malai dheraii huna thalyo vanera maile ekdin mummy lai malai yesto yesto bhairakho chha class 9 dekhi vaney, ani mummy le paile dekhi bhannu parchha ni yesto yesto bhachha vanera bhansiyo ani reassure garsiyo ani mero didi lai ni bhansiyo tespachhi doctor ko ma janey ni kura bhako thiyo but teti khera ghar ma kk bhayo bhayo ani jana payena , ani malai yesto yesto chha bhanda ni mero family ma sabai le bishwas gareko thiyena ra kasaile tha pani pako thiyena ma kura share garna sakirko pani thiyena.

Ani sayad Bhadra hoki Ashoj ma mero baba mero result lina school pugsyo ani malai co-ordinator ko office ma bolaye tespachhi mero studies ko barema ma kura vayo ani malai k problem bhairako chha? Padhna kina sakirako chhaina vanera questions sodhnu vayo sir le ani malie sir lai bhaney sir malai yesto yesto chha malai compulsive thoughts aauchha ani halka mentally thik chhaina vaney ani hajur bujhna saknu hunchha ki hudaina vanera vaney.Tespachhi sir le 1 yeuta student ko example dinu bhayo ani uslai ni yesto yesto chha ma bujhchhu vanera bhannu vayo but i was not satisfied by the way he acted that time. Ani sir le baba lai sodhnu vayo kk chha vanera but my didn't have a clue about my situation.( maile ni vaneko thiyena first ma mero ni galti ho but ma bhanna ni sakirako thiyena jpeaitei thoughts le).

Tespachhi 2nd term ni aayo ma tesma pani Comp. Maths ani Opt. Maths ma fail vaye ani mero situation worst hudai gayo.

Aru story continue garnu bhanda aagadhi, Ma chai aafu lai dherai distant feel garthiye aru bhanda ani khai malai ni kasaile ni bujhna sakirako chhaina mero situation lai kasaile ni bujhdaina, how can i seek help vanera sochthiye ani lonely feel huntiyo ani kasai le help garna ni sakirako thiyena tei vayera ma testai pyschological kura haru herthiye ani philosophical kura haru herna khojthiye ani sunthiye but i'm not any expert in this field .

Ani Dashain vacation ni suru bhayo mero situation worse thiyo. Ani i got introduced to Bhagwat Gita(Not really but halka halka maile kei din padhey but few pages matra padhna sakey ani translation ni garo thiyo Nepali ma padhda kheri ani maile padhna sakena) ani tespachhi na padhey pani maile quotes haru herthiye ani clips haru sunthiye ani aru le Bhagwan Krishna le bhaneko kura haru herthiye ani it helped me alot. As i continued involving myself into philosophical things i felt detachment from the things i were afraid to lose.

Sorry for mentioning it here but i kept referring my habits as compulsive thoughts as i didn't know what i was even following or doing but jaba Bhadra mahina bhanda aagdhi ho ki bhadra ma ho i got introduced to a term called "OCD" and thought ki symptoms were also similar.

Back to story, Tespachhi aaba Dashain ma check garnu parchha vanera kura vako thiyo. Ani ekdin raati ma paltiyeko matra thiye mummy ra baba kura gardai hoisinthiyo ani kk kura vayo studies ko ni kura vayo ani mummy le yesto yesto vairako chha vanera baba lai bujhai sidai thiyo but baba le chai "Yo ta nautanki ho padhnu na parla bhanera bhansyo" ani ma palteko matra thiye suteko thiyena maile sabai kura suney ani malai hurt vayo. Tespachhi i cried alot that day ani mummy bhansidai thiyo ki hami bujhchhu vanera. Ani i was really hurt and promised to fix myself and begged god to help me.

Later after that incident i started researching about how can i get rid of OCD and started to involve myself into philosophy and started to involve myself into spirituality. It was very difficult to ignore the thoughts of my mind, i used to get headache after thinking and following rituals alot. I started rejecting my thoughts and stopped doing rituals despite how painful it was and how scary it was. As i was trying to fight it back i was scared too much ani 1 thought lai katyo vaney ni arko thought aauthiyo ani feri relapse hunthiyo. Malai utheko few minutes dekhi sutnu samma thoughts le satau thiyo ani naramro kura sochthiye. As i continued to battle with it bistarai bistarai i was able to reject some thoughts ani rituals but still aru reasons ko lagi ritauls ta follow huntiyo. Ani i started sleeping alot vacation ko bela which helped me alot.(kaile kai ta sapna ma ni follow hunthiyo sayad ), Ani battled with it whole vacation as i thought it was getting somewhat better ani bistarai bhaipani rako thiyo but i was not able to reject it completely .

Ani school suru vayo i was not completely fine but bistarai bistarai halka halka garera thikk hudai gayo ani halka focus regain garna sakey tespachhi maile tuition padhey dashain ko kei mahina pachhi ani tei ni ramrari fine thiyena kati kati kheri aafai follow huntiyo ani feri relapse vayera loop ma fasthiye tara paila jati rituals follow garthiyena. Ani teti khera samman doctor ko ma gako thiyena ani SEE close thiyo gayo vaney ni medications chalayo vaney padhna garo hunchha vanera teti SEE pachhi vaney kura vayo.

Ani SEE aayo but mero 9 and 10 ko basics ramrari padhna payena, trigonometry ta jhan kei herda pani herena maile Opt.Maths ko exam ma ni formula wala questions bhayek sabai questions chhodera aaye trigonometry ko.

Ani SEE ko vacations ma i was alot better i was able to regain very much control over myself ani still khai kk vayo doctor ko ma jana payena but i'm fine now(i think).

Ani tespachhi class 11 suru vayo but i feel ki i'm way too behind everyone, i think ki manchhe kasari yestari efficiently kaam garna sakchhan and i can't. How are they able to push themselves to work and be ambitious. I'm ambitionless now and only worried about my future.

THERE ARE ALOT OF THOSE RITUALS STORY TO TELL BUT IT WILL BE TOO LONG. AND I TRIED TO EXPLAIN MY SITUATION AS BEST AS I COULD AND THERE MAYBE MANY WRITING MISTAKES I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.

PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME TO GET ON TRACK AND GUIDE ME PROPERLY AND COMPLETELY.