REACTIVE ABUSE: WHY IT WORKED

Good evening my friends, today I wanted to write a bit about reactive abuse. A topic that has been talked about in a vast amount of ways, but I figured I would discuss a perspective of reactive abuse that many may not talk about/ many may not even think about it - why it works in the first place.

Now before discussing reactive abuse it is important to identify your personality prior to interacting with the narcissist (make sure to be honest too guys - I shall go first). Overall I would say that I am a pretty easy going person. I am a Virgo so yes I am a person that likes schedule/order and likes to do things in a consistent manner. I am highly empathetic and I enjoy helping others (especially if they are dealing with something that I have went through). It is not to say that I never / don’t get angry though. I do. Usually when I am angry or triggered though, I walk away from the individual or avoid interacting with them (removing myself from the situation).

Ok now with that little description being said I will go into the reasons as to why I believe reactive abuse was able to be used against me.

1.) I CARED: This may seem not needed, but hear me out. I am one of those that if I do not have a close connection to you / I do not know you - it is easy for things to roll off my back as I know that, that person does not have any insight as to who I am… but the problem is my partner (ex-girlfriend) was the one who was abusing me. When the person you are trying to build a future with is the one abusing you, you give them way more passes, way more chances and you stick around as opposed to leaving as you are trying to make the relationship work. So because I legitimately cared, I stayed despite the constant poking/prodding at my mental stability.

2.) WHO WAS DOING IT: When your significant other is the one saying things about you, you will give WAY more credence to their words as opposed to some random person. Again, this is the person that you are trying to grow with, potentially even marry or have kids with. So when that person says things about you (and your behavior) you will end up potentially believing it or leaning in more towards their narrative as you have a the ability to self reflect.

3.) WHY I WAS ANGRY: Whenever I was triggered into a reactive abuse episode there are several reasons why I was angry depending on what my girlfriend was doing. 1.) Sometimes she would literally talk trash about by best friend for no reason. Literally out of thin air. No one was even talking about my friend, she was not even related to the topic at hand. 2.) She would randomly accuse me of things and not have any grounds or reason for the accusation. She would just pin things on me whenever she felt like it 3.) She would make a rude comment about me and then would just go about her day like nothing happened. It was as if I was expected to just shut up and take it without saying anything/holding her accountable. 4.) When she was confronted about all of these things, she got mad at me for being mad at her… which in turn… MADE ME MORE MAD! Like what! How are you doing something toxic and then mad at me when I call you out. Shouldn’t I be the one mad at you? What?! 5.) Dog whistling (when is when she referenced something in private, in a public setting. Something that only me and her knew about).

4.) THE CONTRADICTION: She would literally start drama and then I would react in a negative way and then she would gaslight me for my negative reaction… but why would someone react POSITIVELY to emotional abuse/drama? That makes no sense. Like she would often say “I want you to be the best version of yourself.” Like what? No you don’t. Someone that wants you to be the best version of yourself does not try to trigger you into reactive abuse. So you want me to be the best version of myself yet you constantly try to get me to do a low vibrational behavior? How does this make sense?

5.) BELIEVING I WAS OVERREACTING: This is something that was also strategically set up by her, but in these past 5 months since the end of the relationship I realized what was done. Whenever I would shout/yell, curse and get angry, my girlfriend would always tell me I overreact. But now I realize the little trick that she did to manipulate me (which I believed for the longest time). So let’s say someone pokes you with a stick 100 times in the house and then the next time they poke you, they do it amongst your friends. Amongst your friends, you break the stick. Everyone around you (including the narcissist) will look at that as an overreaction since they are only comparing it to the ONE time you were publicly poked (which is what everyone sees). But when you reacted you are not only reacting to that one poke… but also the 100 pokes that happened in the house prior that you let that abuser get away with. So when you compare the breaking of the stick to 1 poke… yes it can look like an overreaction. But when you compare the breaking of the stick to 101 pokes (100 of them not being seen of course) the reaction is in perfect alignment with what was done. And that is what my girlfriend did. When you compared my reaction to what was done immediately in that moment… it looks like an overreaction. But when you compared the reaction to ALL of the things I let her get away with for MONTHS, that reaction is not as big of an overreaction as it seemed.

In short in my case the real reason why reactive abuse worked is because the person I believed that loved me and wanted me to be the best version of myself actually just said that to sound good as their words clearly did not match their actions. With anybody else, the minute when actions and words do not match I simply stop associating with them or I remove myself from the situation. The reason why I ended up reacting in my relationship is because I cannot just walk away - I have to try to make the relationship work. Plus, I would give my girlfriend multiple chances because I wanted to believe that she meant me well when she clearly didn’t.