20 weeks and for what

I'm just so beside myself right now. Found out on Mon at my 20 wk appt, which also just so happened to be my bday, that baby boy only made it to 17 weeks. Everything from that visit is still so vivid.

"I've had so much trouble with this heart monitor today, let me get the ultrasound machine."

I could see the skull, the chest cavity, the little spine, but no heart movement.

The minutes dragging on as she continued to look, and the deep breath I took when my body understood what was happening before my brain did.

The way she looked when she turned to me, so much pity in her eyes. "Your placenta looks healthy though"

It was like an outer body experience, sitting in that room, waiting for them to bring my husband from the waiting area, and the way he said God damnit when he saw the tears on my face.

It's not fair. Im going to get my dilation medication tomorrow and my d&c on Friday. Tomorrow night will be the last time I get to hold this baby inside me.