“Fed is bare minimum”

Need to vent for a second about the “breast is best” crowd, after a comment I saw on a breastfeeding sub earlier today sent me into a blind rage.

This breastfeeding mom was upset when her family members told her that fed is best and felt that it was discounting her hard work BF. So she turned around and posted that “fed is the bare minimum” because breast milk is specifically designed for babies and has all these benefits that formula doesn’t. In response to pushback, she said formula is fine for some women who “physically can’t” breastfeed, but it was super clear that was a way to save face. Last week, I read a comment from another EBF mom who called formula “shit” that she threw away when her daughter had a bad reaction, as if it was poison or something.

I’m so sick of sanctimonious comments like these from the breastfeeding community, as if their words aren’t horrifically painful for women like myself who literally cannot physically produce enough milk to feed their babies. And also for women who simply choose formula as the best option for their babies for whatever reason, because it’s their choice!!! Why do you even care what other mothers do, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. All fed is best means that no matter how you feed your baby — breastfeeding, pumping, combo feeding, formula feeding — that that’s what’s best for the combination of the baby, the mother and their family.

Formula is a modern miracle and achievement of science that sustains babies who otherwise wouldn’t have made it. My baby and so many other babies would be dead without formula, so it’s not “the bare minimum.” For my son (14 weeks), it’s everything. He is smashing his growth curve and thriving. He’s already wearing some 6 and 9 month sized clothing because of how fast he’s grown, after starting at the 22nd percentile for weight.

Breastfeeding moms love to hide behind sentiments like, “Science says breast milk is better.” Guess what science also says? An alive baby is better than a dead one, full stop. Someone on here recently posted a study that found that a lot of exclusively breastfed babies become dangerously dehydrated and are starving in their first days of life because it often takes time for women’s milk to come in and colostrum isn’t always enough. They were at risk for brain injuries due to lack of nutrients. That’s science, too.

Sure, breast milk is specifically designed for babies. Guess what else is also specifically designed for babies? FORMULA. It exists for a reason. Not to mention that some babies literally get diagnosed with failure to thrive while being exclusively breastfed. If breastmilk is so perfect, why does that happen? Breastfeeding may be “natural,” but for thousands of years it was also “natural” for mothers to die in childbirth and for many babies to not make it past infancy.

If we are following the science and evidence based medicine here, the best possible thing to do for your baby would actually be to combo feed if you can, but EBF moms don’t want to have that conversation. They want to act superior about their “sacrifice.” And as if their babies are magically protected from all illness through breast milk antibodies while implying that FF babies are immune compromised or something. That’s not how any of that works!

And, to top it off, I see some BF moms suggest that they have an extra special bond and relationship with their babies that the rest of us apparently lack. They talk about BF in an almost fetishistic way, instead of simply as another way to nurture their children. They emphasize their “journey” and even refer to their children as “nurslings.” I see some of these women become completely unwilling to stand any challenge to their ability to BF, even when it becomes detrimental — baby is failure to thrive, safe sleep is compromised, their relationship with their husband is strained because a toddler is always in their bed and is unwilling to ever sleep independently. They become irrationally emotional if their toddler decides to self wean because the majority of their calories and nutrients are now coming from solids. To me, that’s almost as bad as women who are more concerned about their birth “experience” than getting the best medical care to ensure the health of themselves and their babies.

FF moms have just as strong of a relationship with our children. Our babies were inside of us and know who we are, even if we are not shoving a boob in their mouth. They do not care where food comes from, as long as they get it.

When I was still pumping the pitifully small amount of milk I could produce a month or two ago, my husband incorrectly screwed on the top of a pumped bottle that had taken me all day to collect through 4 different pump sessions. He dumped the entire thing down the front of our son. I was crying and so so angry. We gave baby a bottle of formula instead. After, I laid my son down in his bassinet. Then he looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile. Because he was full and fed and happy and safe. He did not care at all what was in his bottle. That perfect little face is what I picture every day when I am preparing his formula pitcher. I know I am doing the best thing for him and for our family.