Ego death on lighter gas

Hello, I'm 17, and this is my new butane story.

I was in school and had a long break, so I decided I didn’t want to be bored for three hours. I walked 3 km to a store to buy some lighter gas. After I got back to school, I locked myself in the bathroom and started huffing a lot.

I was hallucinating like crazy. The walls were melting, and there was a slime blob stuck to the wall that I imagined was my friend. After that session, I had huffed about half the can. I went back to class feeling numb, dizzy, and suffering from an insane headache, as usual.

The next day, I had some time to kill between two lessons. Since I still had a lot of lighter gas left, I decided to do it again. I went back to the same bathroom as the day before. But this time, it was different. I had been vaping beforehand, so my blood was full of nicotine.

After the first breath, everything turned slightly pink, my vision slowed down, and my visual static multiplied by ten. I could barely see. On the next breath, everything went black for a moment. That’s when I thought I had died because I hallucinated (or dreamt) some really bizarre stuff.

Here’s what happened: I started feeling my heart beating extremely fast and hard. Then everything went black for half a second. After that, I saw a thin torso made of grass standing in a white void. The torso had a hole in the middle with a heart. It slowly fell backward.

Next, I saw a group of people who looked like cardboard cutouts—very simplistic—just rounded torsos with heads floating slightly above them. One of the pieces slowly floated upward while the others sank down, still standing on the white platform.

The piece that floated upward felt like me being pulled from the living realm. Then I was placed on a small hill of white plastic. The view zoomed out, showing a piece for every person who had ever lived and died. Everything turned black, and I stared into a void for around 10 seconds. It felt cold, and I felt exposed, almost naked.

Adding to the surreal experience, I had headphones on, and these two songs played in the background as it all unfolded:

Song 1: Before I entered the black void https://open.spotify.com/track/1A11EkhULrKRkAMozPbvry?si=b6juRXkuRMeBWp53rnE42g

Song 2: Started right as everything faded to black https://open.spotify.com/track/3Cedy1dcoKXuqbiXBhtkQ9?si=JXDXLMohRNOiQCkzzF1Iqg

Later that night, I took two more breaths. On the first breath, my vision became pure static, and I saw a shadow figure approaching me. On the second breath, I looked into the mirror on my wardrobe. I saw the same green torso with the heart in the middle, wobbling.

I gasped for air and began hyperventilating, terrified that I was about to die. After that, I stayed away from huffing for about five days.

Today, I decided to do it again because my anxiety was extreme, and I felt more depressed than usual. I took a small dose, and that familiar warm, numbing feeling returned. The minor hallucinations started again, with the walls melting.

After another breath, I saw the green torso overlaying my vision, wobbling. My heart was beating harder than ever. I gasped for air again, not wanting to die from butane in a school bathroom. I shook my head, trying to clear the vision. Then I threw my bag over my shoulder and rushed out of the bathroom. As I turned the corner, I saw the same green torso swish past on the wall with a happy tone, while this song played in my earbuds: https://open.spotify.com/track/3RUMmwML7ep3viYvV6oqto?si=0b1oGl5QQLmMk-Ouu9we5g

This experience reminded me that life, even when hard, is worth the struggle for the good moments that come along. I don’t want my family to go through the pain of losing their only son and brother.

Even though I’ve had these terrifying experiences, I’m not sure how much my fear will outweigh my curiosity or whether it will be enough to beat this stupid addiction. Please pray for me.

Thank you for reading. If you have any advice, it would mean the world to me.