Does it get any better? It doesn't get easier

Any sober folks out there please tell me how the fuck do you keep going?

Today is my birthday I just turned 18 and I've never felt more miserable in my life.. I was addicted to oxycodone since i was 15 and overdosed by 16 by accident on a normal dose that I was taking daily from Oxycodone + valium + pregablin

The same day I got out from the ICU after I stopped breathing and woke up to my family crying I got dressed went home and took more oxy just to comprehend what happened

At that day I accepted that I'm an addict and there's no turning back, I'm pretty educated on addiction and helped few people to deal with their addiction but for me, when it came to opiates I was helpeds.. burnt all bridges and ruined every relationship and lost everything I ever loved in my life and lost myself too even tho I never loved myself

This is more of a rant because I'm just so pissed and so fucking miserable and don't know how to deal with myself nor my fucking brain without any chemicals..

I quit oxy 4 months ago except for a couple mishaps that I took a dose and that was it.. BUUUT last 3 months I was smoking crystal meth daily and I kid you not I wasn't getting any remarkable euphoria, just a rush of dopamine and that was it

I never liked uppers and I only did it cuz it was something to do.. it got to a point where my family didn't want me in the house and was homeless, lived at my sister and her husband's house

Everyone was surprised cuz I was the smart kid that was making money at 16 more than I can spend (I was studying filmmaking and working as a video editor) and having a lot of money didn't help it was the opposite, i was doing more 750mg oxy a day just not to be sick at fucking 16!! I was smart, good looking reading books and speak 3 languages and now where's all that??

When I first quit oxy a year ago I ended up drinking and popping Xanax everyday just to black out and then realized I'm better off taking oxys.. so i relapsed till 4 months ago I stopped once and for all and not because I wanted to..

in Syria there's not much opiates around here so I was getting oxy from Iran and my connect disappeared so I quit but couldn't stop the 10mg Xanax a day, I didn't take Xanax alone it was a nice add to the oxy, when I didn't take it I'd feel a seizure creeping up

No doctor agreed to help me get off the 10-12mg Xanax a day and all suggested a hospital detox and that wasn't an option and God knows how I bought Klonopins and tapered off alone all by myself

So I loved alcohol and I quit, I liked the benzos and also stopped them alone which I'm kinda proud of.. I was smoking more than a gram a day of pure crystal meth and stopped cold turkey and yes I crave it but never liked it and don't consider myself a meth addict

All that shit and I still can't be strong enough to not take a fucking pill??! I smoked crack once, I snorted heroin, quit benzos alone that could kill you if you stop, I was injecting almost a gram of ketamine a day (IM) and quit, quit crystal meth that people almost 90% relapse and come back to and I even injected it IV once just to see if I die or live..

And all that shit means nothing? I liked a quote that says "reality is an acquired taste" I lost my taste and my reality at this point

Do I just accept I'm a fuck up and keep gambling with my life till I die? I tried therapy and tried many anti depressants and always had something that gave me hope that it might be "it" and fill the whole but nothing did, the drugs did fill more than a hole till it consumed me

Severe anhedonia, crippling anxiety and treatment resistant depression since I was 12, and last year I got depersonalization/derealization from weed probably and my life hasn't been the same since..

I never post on here I just lurk and don't know why I'm posting this and I'm sure there's barely anyone who would read any of this but I just wanna hear it from someone who's been there and made it out.. I need hope

Stay safe everyone, everyone thinks nothing bad is going to happen to them, until it does.