Filthy

Fucking filthy.
I am smudged and stained, it’s been too many days hours and years. An excess of bodies, mouths, and hands and each one, they took something from ME.
And it’s allllllways hot blooded, boiled and thick syrupy sweet to start.
It’s alllllways a world ending kind of love, a specific uncontrollable urge to bond and attach myself or maybe even COMBINE with this man to make ourselves a single entity. Is this just me? My mind exaggerating a connection, a hyperbole of dedication, “I’ve never felt this way” kind of delusion.

Yeah, it’s a different kind of love THIS time, he gets me, this one really understands.
Ok, I’ll do this for him, I know exactly what kind of woman he needs.
Morph myself into a version of what he desires me to be.
Because, this is what love requires from me. For this monumental connection. A fixation for modification, just for his satisfaction.

But I KNOW this is not a solid foundation. This was never meant to be you see, those cracks? Yeah, they eventually start to show. I’ll grow tired of keeping up with the charade, these feelings aren’t REAL, how they would inevitably fade. It’s not love! It was obsession, an unhealthy attachment to a need for possession.

And suddenly I’m caged, inducing panic and self destruction.
I am no longer ME, and it’s MY FAULT, so I’ll seek validation.
I will bury this connection, deprive it of what it needs to grow. No sunlight, water, no oxygen. I kill it off.
You know they’re right Bitch,
we really do reap what we sow.

A very bad girl, rotten to the core.
But Baby, it’s good it’s naughty it’s HOT.
You’re dirty, just SLUTTY
SO HOT til it’s NOT
SO HOT til you FINALLY SEE her for all that she is
Her wounds taste like TRAUMA her kisses taste of TEARS
She smells like destruction, she breathes smoke and fire
She looks like an ANGEL, her trademark desire
You want her, you want her
You make her your prize.
Just don’t be surprised when the love slowly dies and even if a million sighs from the heavens arise there will be NO reprise.
Just lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies