I can't. I don't know. I feel like giving up.

Jealousy.

My entire life I have never been complimented by my family. Not to go as deep as who or what, but... ever since school, I've always been told that I was a failure. Always nearly getting kicked out of school for causing trouble, always getting emotional even at the slightest of provocation. "Crybaby". "Good for nothing". All those things I've always tried to put up with, even beginning to delude myself to thinking I was better than other students who are liked, who were called cool — while I know deep down that I'm not. Even as I grew up, I found myself being drawn to people over the internet/discord servers that write better posts than I do. Even though they seemed nice, getting complimented by the people I considered friends just puts a pain I can't describe in my heart. I wanna feel like that guy/girl being complimented. I WANT to have the skills that they have, but... laziness and self hatred creeps up on me everytime. Even if I get back up by just trying to make a wall of lies out of duct tape, all it takes is the same scenario to break it down and bring me lower into the abyss.

Validation.

If someone would ask me what's my memorable moment in life, I probably wouldn't remember. The only things I could only remember were the teasing done to me in elementary, the insults I've received in High School, the alienation I now feel at my time now at College, and how I am losing hope even as I'm alone at the Internet. I dedicated myself to writing. Self taught, sure. But, I was able to get something to be proud of myself — even though I am the sole person that hates me the most out of everyone. The day came when someone, a friend of mine — which I'll just name "Magic" — had joined the server.

First, I felt like I had some competition. They had longer posts, talked very poshly with other people, have researched stuff about what their characters are very in-depth, and had a visual-novel/show now tell type of approach, which I tried to replicate. But, when they don't seem to stop at just that, they just began to post better and better posts than I could ever make. They have longer words, very detailed descriptions, things I dreamed of doing, compliments.... I wished I received when I'm the one doing the longer posts instead of them. For a time, they got everyone's attention, to the point I sorta reprimanded my friend's own compliments of me, since I considered them to never be genuine and just lip service.

I soon ghosted that server, not until I saw that they've made a completely new one. They had forgotten about me. I'm... a nobody. I thought I had fixed my emotions back then by being numb to it, but as I joined that server they made, I felt as though they've developed a deeper relationship than I could ever could with them in a longer timespan. The compliments that they've given them, the stories they wrote without me, all of it just felt like I was never needed anymore. And that's when I... broke.

Years upon years of my built up childhood trauma rose up and boiled and erupted, making me explode my emotions on one of my friends, ultimately leading to my ban on that server.

...

That wasn't the first time it happened to me. The last time it happened was when I threatened to off myself after seeing as how they treat one particular person better, to the point my anger made me say things I wished I didn't to them (death threats). After that, I got banned and - even as I'm desperate to get in - I knew I'll only get myself in trouble.

...

Now that I just got here to Reddit. I feel pathetic trying to ask for help and support from the people I don't know, when - clearly - I feel so hopeless.

"I've had enough."