Can’t cry?

Alright yall, I am (or was historically) soft af. In the best way though, 80% happy tears from silly things like bubbles or flowers or old couples holding hands, the rest mostly sad. It’s also my response to anger (just crying, no yelling or anything) but that damn near never happens. *not feeling anger/rage that already an issue prior, I’m aware it’s a repression thing and am working through that.

HOWEVER, I left a partner over the summer after a year of being in an abusive (in all the ways) relationship. I was physically ill from the stress and trauma of leaving/the entire thing and even moved states to get away from them. Things were going great the first two+ months then BAM, within a two week span, a veritable shit storm of triggers and “forgotten” situations I had with them appeared. Been a rough few months but getting back on track.

Now here’s the rub, I have an overwhelming NEED to cry - as in it’s so bad I can physically feel it in my body. And not just any cry, I’m talking a big, ugly, howling fit that could be misconstrued as someone getting murdered. I’ll tear up a bit and it feels like I’m on the brink of a doozy then I just stop. The mental need is still there and the physical urge too but I just can’t - a crying cockblock, if you will. It’s so uncomfortable and unlike me, I’m a crier and a laugher, maybe not an extreme mess crier, but in the past, when that needed to happen it would.

I am AGGRESSIVELY trying to prompt it - in therapy, reading sad shit, watching the “top rated heartbreaking films ever to exist” and listening to every song that in a “normal” world would shatter the tear ducts of not just me, but any human in existence.

So… wtf is this??? Has anyone else experienced this? My therapist is saying emotional numbing but like… the emotion is there? What am I supposed to do? I feel like I’m going to physically explode if it doesn’t happen soon.