(36f) How can I initiate sex more?
My (36f) husband (37m) has expressed sadness and frustration over the fact that I don't initiate sex. He says he has to do 100% of the initiating and that me saying "hey, we should have sex soon!" or rubbing up against him isn't initiating. I also don't turn him down when he does initiate. He says that because of my lack of initiation, he feels "sexually dead." He says he feels that I want HIM to have sex with ME but that I don't want to have sex with HIM, and that it feels rapey if that make sense? He says he knows that I love him and that I want him, he just doesn't feel that I do. He would like me to initiate by touching him, like grabbing his dick.
I feel terrible that my partner feels this way. I feel terrible that my shyness is making him feel so unwanted. I've been sexually abused in the past and am I generally nervous around being so sexually direct but I know this needs to change. Also because of my past I don't want my husband to ever feel "rapey," the thought of him feeling that about me just makes my stomach turn. I know that my husband had nothing to do with my past and we've been together for 9 years now, so he shouldn't have to suffer because of my own issues. That being said, I've been to therapy for the sexual abuse, I thought I was showing enough interest/desire but it turns out I'm just not.
How do I fix this? How do I start initiating in the way that he would like without it being incredibly weird and awkward after all that's been said? I really want to fix this.