as gaybro over 30, what tramautizes you the most in life, or what are your biggest fears?

i actually woke up to write this, since i was having a nightmare :(

ive actually narrowed it down to one sole thing. which i know i think i should seek therapy for. and im even afraid to share it here, but some gaybros helped me out, and i am still appreciative for the general help from ppl out there. but then again, any nuance here can be reamed out sometimes, lol.

i dont care for loss of job, or even being alone. obviously these are depressing things, but i know i can conquer those things. i can find another job. i can find another partner. although i am with one, who i think i can possible stay with the rest of my life. even through thick and thin and through the rest of my life.

i have a university degree, that i don't use. but it is my choice, since i don't like that profession. but i think my worst fear and actual, real recurring nightmare in this life, is not passing my professional exams. i passed university, but didnt succeed to get my designation. but it translates into this recurring nightmare of failing in college.

like its always a dream about me being young, and not being able to find my classes. being lost, and not having friends in school. failing classes. now i am 41. i know society is hard out there, but bc i am an adult, i got a backbone, and i can weather things. when times get tough, just simply weather them.

my recurring nightmare is still being 21, having my first job, first apartment, and feeling all sorts of stress. and feeling abandoned by my family. now my family loves me and i know it. but i still wake up sometimes, and i am 21 again. all alone. working in a job i hate. knowing ive failed my professsional exam. paying a 2nd time to retake the same courses to get back my same degree.

life throws lots of curve balls at us. in 40 years of life, ive had heights and wins, and lows and misses. but my recurring nightmare is always failing from the beginning and the get go. failing out of school.

the dream is basically chasing for a class i don't even know about. running through the college halls.