AITA for not engaging with my sister during my pregnancy?

I (28F) am now 3 months along in my pregnancy. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for many years. My sister (30F) had OFFERED be our surrogate if it’d come down to it. And I would’ve paid every cent of that. We have always had a rocky relationship so the fact that she brought this up meant a lot to me.

Not long after, she had asked for childcare for one of her daughters. She has a 9 year old girl and the youngest girl who would turn 1 in a month. I am a state licensed in home daycare. I can’t just take up one kid when I have a ratio to maintain. Also, she wanted it to be for free, which I didn’t agree to. It would only be for a week, sure. No problem. But her regular daycare lady had an emergency and couldn’t watch the children for that week. I couldn’t accommodate that especially if I needed to remove one paying child for another who wouldn’t pay me. It’s not as if she was asking for care outside of my work hours. This is my job.

Anyway. We ended the conversation on a good note and had small conversations after that. I never knew how much this conversation had impacted her until recently. To point out, we never setup anything official to have her be our surrogate as my husband and I were still going through our infertility testing and dealing with all of that.

A month after that child care conversation was her daughter’s first birthday party. It was 70’s theme and I offered to buy the decorative cookies. At the party, she never talked to us. Not a hello, not a thank you for the cookies and the gift. She had called people over to take pictures with the baby but never us. Handed the baby off to everyone, not us. She even bought our immediate family matching 70’s outfits, except for us. (Our parents, our brother and his daughter, and then her family which are the two girls and her youngest’s father) all had matching outfits. We left there feeling un uncomfortable and embarrassed for being left out. I didn’t know what to think but because I’ve dealt with her similar tendencies in the past, I forgot about it. Especially because my husband and I still were focusing on trying to conceive through infertility and I wanted to stay positive and focus on that.

I had messaged her if I could take the girls out to hangout. I was left on read. For the next few weeks I was left on read or just got a short “no”. If anyone out there is a childless aunt or uncle who adores their little ones, you’d understand how much this hurt. Finally, I was tired of the lack of communication and demanded help as to when I could see them or more than just a “no” again. She replied “no. It’s just no” and when I tried to call her immediately after, she’d blocked me. My heart was completely broken. She left me blocked for the next 8 months. I haven’t seen her or the girls in person.

Until, I found out I was pregnant. I was so over the moon. I was so high, no one could touch me. I immediately told everyone. My parents and brother since she still had me blocked.

To my surprise my sister had come to my door that day with congratulatory balloons. I was so confused since we hadn’t talked for 8 months. We barely talked since she’d brought the girls with her and I was playing with them until they left. Later that day I got a text from an unknown number. It was my sister. She told me the reason she was upset with me was because I wouldn’t watch my niece for free.

She said “why would I be your surrogate when you couldn’t watch your niece”. I was livid. The reason that I was pushed away from seeing the girls was because she was mad at me. I had seen her use the girls like that before (when our mom made her mad many years ago and she refused to let her see them. And even the eldest from her own father, even though they have a court agreement and he’s allowed to see her) I just never thought she’d do that to me.

In her text, she explained that she wants to be there for me during my pregnancy. And that she basically couldn’t go on without me knowing the reason for why I was upset even though she had blocked me for 8 months without a reason as to why. I only responded with an “I didn’t know how much it’d meant to you and I’m sorry for that, but I have a busy and a house to run. I literally can’t afford to take in children for free.” I asked her to understand but once again, she left me on read.

Now that I’m 3 months pregnant, I’m not interested in trying to build a relationship with her or having her involved in the pregnancy. I feel like she “put me in my place” when she kept the children from me. And after countless times of asking to see them, I (very emotional right now me) can’t take another rejection if I asked for them now. I’d rather just keep them all at a healthy distance.

AITA?

UPDATE: I am almost 6 months pregnant and a lot has happened in this past few months. I decided to go low-contact with my sister. She messages me from time to time checking on me and asking how the baby is doing. I respond with a simple “good” and move on. I make no attempts to ask to see her children anymore.

I recently found out from a family member who was at the baby’s first birthday party, that everyone there did in fact knew what was going on. That feeling of being felt-out, cast aside, and embarrassed was real. It seems that whatever gossip my sister (and her child care provider) had told, everyone knew by the day of the party. Yes, her daycare provider was there at the party too. Apparently, they had said some absolutely horrid things about me, things that this family member adamantly refused to repeat. It broke my heart. After that, I went to all my social medias and removed my sister from my friends list and blocked the child care provider (as she was an old family friend so I had her friended at the time).

Later that day when my husband got home I told him. He was so pissed off. He’s written off my family completely. He can’t stand how they treat me, disrespect me, and expect me to bend over backwards for them while they’d never do the same for me.

My sister later messaged me, saying she wasn’t sure why we weren’t friends on social media but that she loved me blah blah blah. I explained to her that the entire situation that happened AND her stressed me out, that I need distance from her. She responded “what situation? The one you knew nothing about?!” And with that, I was done. Her comment solidified that she knew all along what she was doing. How she was treating me, exiling me from having meaningful memories and quality time with her children. All for what? We haven’t spoken since.

I’ve also gone low-contact with my mother after she said she’d “gift” us a baby shower, only to turn around and expect us to pay for all of the decorations and food. She booked a hall in a dangerous part of town on a day in which my husband and I work. After explaining to her that if we had to pay, it’s not a gift and the day and location would have to be changed, she started to get upset with me. I ended up canceling the whole thing and she went on a rant about how I better not say she never did anything for me and she doesn’t understand what my problem is. In my husband’s opinion, he doesn’t care if they ever meet our son. If I said the word, he’d back me up 100% on never telling them anything about this child.

For my own sanity, I’m glad I was able to step up and communicate that their actions were stressing me out, even if it wasn’t received well. That’s not my problem. I’m in a much better place now. We are planning on smaller baby shower and plan to invite people who actually love us and are happy for us. They will not be invited.