I need a boyfriend so bad and Im jealous of everyone who has one

Everytime I see people in hetero relationships, I get jealous and mad, I hate it espc. when they label themself as " losers " like I see on TikTok, because I'm at their exact same position but I'm single, and It just annoys me!!!

I just want to feel the warmth of a guy behind me, hugging and treasuring me in his arms, cuddling himself up against me and feeling his breath hit my neck, I want to comfort and love him too, but he probably wouldn't like that because straight men dont want to be comforted by troons... I don't even care if he truly loves me tbh or is a chaser, he can also call me a femboy, idc I would go as low as that for a boyfriend I'm love-starved....

Worst part is, I could get one, I was flirted with a bunch in school and get cat called at the rare times im outside, but I never know how to show affection and am deepy afraid of it, because Im like totally unaware of it, like someone literally flirted with me, and I just didn't know how to react so I said " I don't know how to react to that. " and he immediatly started taking back what he said and it just killed the entire vibe.... I also just reject any type of affection because it makes me feel like I'm honfident, because Im pretty sure straight men would never like a troon and Im just deluding myself into thinking they're giving me affection, no matter how aggressive they are with it.

Also I'm stupidly restarted and bed-rotting has become a form of self-destruction and I haven't left my room seriously in 2 years, I just dissociate, go online, watch shows, doom on transphobia and cry myself to sleep and breakdown over how disgusting I am and missing out on the expierences I could have had in place of bed rotting....

I cannot find confidence in life as a Trans person, going outside, even though I visually pass, I just think about the fact every person has bad opinions about Trans people, even if they don't directly aknowledge me as one, and I just cry everytime I walk by someone, out of anxiety and the fact they hate me and probably want people like me dead....

I would blame being a troon, but majority of my problems are on me, and Im aware of it but always fall victim to it constantly, I hate myself!!!