I'm a loser and a waste of resources.

I lay in bed and cry all day, when I'm not asleep I stare at my phone for hours, never had any friends besides some people on the internet once, I don't talk to anyone, dropped out of highschool because I sat in the corner and sobbed for the whole 8 hour school day, the teachers felt so bad they didn't even force me to participate. I went to a place for troubled teens but I barley attend and I was supposed to graduate last year, even when people try to talk to me I shut down and either start crying or dissosiating. I have nothing going for me, literally nothing, I don't go outside I have no one to talk to all day I'm just existing in an empty box completely isolated from humanity. I have no life experiences, no happy memories, I've always just kinda existed in my room, rarley going outside. My life I'd just nothing, im nothing, no personality, no goals, nothing. Even as a child I never manged to keep friends, my patents ignored me so I just stayed in my room all day playing video games alone. I really just daydream all day about being cis and actually having a life and a gf, but I haven't been able to even do that, it hurts too much.

The worst part is that I don't want to get better because that would mean leading a trans life and I rather die than be trans. I wanted to kill myself before my 18th birthday, I was scared of becoming a useless adult. that was almost 6 months ago now, I got top surgery but I still don't want to live, it's nice but I was never really dysphoric about having enlarged breasts more than the fact I'm not male.

I'm so tired, but I'm still collecting everything I need, im gonna hike far away from this city, I don't want to traumatize someone by making them find my dead body, so I'll do it in the wilderness where's there's no one for miles. I hope they never find my body. I'm gonna leave a note saying I moved out so no one reports me missing, I don't want my foid face plastered everywhere.

Sorry this is not very coherent anymore, some of you guys are the only people who truly understand and can bring me a bit of comfort instead of being bombarded with rants about how it totally gets better. Which I guess it could've, I'm in the process of getting approved for a hysterectomy and then I could have my insurance cover phalloplasty in some cheap clinic with mid results if i hold on for a few years.

I'm sorry I'm ungrateful, most of yall would kill to be in my position but I just can't settle for being trans. It's funny, I get handed a clear timeline to fully transitioning on a silver platter and I still throw it away. I'm sorry to anyone who could have been in my place while I wasted the time of all the professionals. It was all for nothing. I'm so sorry. I'm literally a waste of space, resources and trans healthcare.